


Don't know how to live, don't know how to feel

by Anonymous



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Accidental Voyeurism, Anal Sex, Android Auto-Responder | Lil Hal, Asperger Syndrome, Autistic Gamzee, Begging, Blood and Gore, Buckets (Homestuck), Bulges and Nooks (Homestuck), Captivity, Confrontations, Consensual Underage Sex, Crying, Double Penetration in One Hole, Dubious Consent, Eavesdropping, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Everyone Is Alive, Fight Sex, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, Gen, Gentle Sex, Guilt, Hand Jobs, Hermaphroditic Trolls (Homestuck), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Manipulation, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mind Control, Mind Manipulation, Mind Rape, Misunderstandings, Multiple Orgasms, Naked Cuddling, Nightmares, Non-Penetrative Sex, Oral Sex, Orgasm Denial, Painful Sex, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Polyamory, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protectiveness, Quadrant Vacillation, Rage, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Resurrection, Revenge Sex, Rough Sex, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Shoosh-Papping (Homestuck), Slut Shaming, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicidal Thoughts, Teasing, Telepathy, There's A Tag For That, Threesome - F/F/M, Threesome - M/M/M, Unhealthy Kismesissitude, Unhealthy understanding of kismesissitude, Vaginal Fingering, Victim Blaming, Wet Dream, kind of? idk what else to call it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-12 07:20:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 20,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29006715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: The worst is over for many of the players of SBURB, but those who caused damage have to face consequences.Gamzee knows this is how it's supposed to be. He's accepted it. It hurts sometimes, but it's okay. Its hard to adjust to it, but he's okay.Except when a little question turns it on it's head. Maybe he's not as okay with it as he thinks.
Relationships: Caliborn & Gamzee Makara, Eridan Ampora & Gamzee Makara, Gamzee Makara & Dave Strider, Gamzee Makara/Dave Strider, Gamzee Makara/Tavros Nitram, Gamzee Makara/Terezi Pyrope, Gamzee Makara/Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket, Gamzee Makara/Vriska Serket, Mituna Captor & Kurloz Makara, Tavros Nitram/Dave Strider, Tavros Nitram/Karkat Vantas, Terezi Pyrope/Vriska Serket
Comments: 5
Kudos: 30
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is really kinda fucked up, please mind the tags and avoid reading it if any of this makes you uncomfortable.

The game was over.

The new world had been created, everyone had been brought back to life, even the Beforan trolls and both cherubs. Everyone got their happy ending.

At least, that’s what everybody would like to believe. In truth, not everyone was entirely happy with their situations at the moment. The trolls who had been deemed too evil, such as murderers, were shunned, even if most of the others didn’t realize. All except Vriska, who had a pass because of her “heroism.”

In the three weeks since Gamzee had been revived(one can only survive so long in a tight space with no air, after all) and started living in their shared housing, he’d already become accustomed to this. He’d developed a routine of only going places when noone was around, and using the vents to get around so he wouldn’t bump into anyone.

It was pretty much the same as when they’d been on the meteor, the five surviving trolls and two humans.

The building was divided into floors and sections, with their own kitchen and living areas so as not to become too crowded, so really it wasn’t too much of a hassle. Gamzee hadn’t gotten to choose where he’d stay. Most of everyone wanted to avoid him. He was on the very top floor, with Eridan, Kurloz, Caliborn, Aranea(who’d opted to stay with them to “reform” them), and Hal, who’s physical body had only been built after everyone was settled and had no other place to stay.

His floor had comparatively less people than all the other floors, and even less than what there was on the meteor, so theoretically it should be easier to avoid conflict. Except for the fact that Aranea seemed intent on her goal. Damn bitch refused to give up, or let him avoid anything.

“Gamzee,” he heard her saccharine sweet voice call to him where he was in the vents, “Breakfast is ready. Don’t make me force you to come here again.”

He bared his teeth at nothing and carefully peered into the kitchen. He didn’t feel like sitting at the table with the rest of those assholes today. He was always tired, hardly used to sleeping only during the day, not to mention nightmares keeping him awake. 

All of the trolls still suffered from horror-terror filled nightmares, and yet the rest of them seemed fine. Not like he got to interact with anyone from any other floor.

Suddenly, Gamzee’s body moved, without any input from him, to push open the vent and shove himself forward to land on the tile with a _thunk._ Seems Aranea had deemed his hesitance too long.

As he picked himself up and rubbed his head, he heard Kurloz let out a disapproving snort through his nose. Something had happened that had made him remove the stitches, though he was still missing a tongue and couldn’t properly speak.

“About fucking time. This bitch wouldn’t let us eat. Until you got here.” Gamzee winced at the voice. Thankfully, Aranea wasn’t near cruel enough to make him sit near Caliborn, but being around him gave him painful memories. Just hearing him speak made the skin around his scars itch and crawl.

“Caliborn. What did we say about name-calling? Come on, you didn’t fall that far. You’ve taken worse tumbles haven’t you?” She directed her attention to the clown on the floor. If he could be called that anymore. The only reason he still wore his paint was to cover the scars on his face that reminded him of the visage of Nepeta, eyes fearful and body broken, still refusing to give up because of what he’d done to her moirail.

He doesn’t like to remember, but when he does he knows that he deserves everything he got.

“M’not even that hungry…” he mutters, pulling himself to his feet. It’s never got him off the hook before, but there’s no reason he can’t keep trying.

“Breakfast is the most important meal, mini Makara. It would be harmful of me to let you skip it,” she hummed and helped Gamzee to the table.

“That damn robot’s lucky he don’t hawe ta eat. Her cookin’s awwful. I bet that’s wwhy Gam alwways tries ta skip it.” Eridan jabs, pushing around his food with a fork.

“You should have seen. What I grew up on,” Caliborn leans over, snatching one of the seadweller’s eggs while staring right at Gamzee.

The purpleblood looks down. Even though it was Aranea controlling him to care for the cherubs, he hated that he’d all but left them to themselves and become everything he hated in his lusus as a caregiver.

Kurloz knocks on the table and signs something to the cerulean.

“Not that I don’t appreciate it, Loz, but I don’t think it counts if you don’t have a tongue,” she sighs, seating herself. “I wish you lot would be more appreciative, you know. If it weren’t for me you’d probably all be banished, or executed.”

Eridan scoffed. “As if some ‘a us hawen’t already been. Noone said wwe wwanted yer help anywway. For all I care yer just a more annoyin’ Serket. An’ I _dated_ Wris.”

“You know it’s not nice to talk about people behind their backs,” she replied tiredly.

“A course I fuckin’ knoww it’s not _nice._ I just don’t fuckin’ giwe a shit, especially wwhen the skank got _promoted_ after killin’ off just as many teammates as I did wwhile I got cast out like a rottin’ carcass!” he shouted, shoving away from the table to stand so he could leave. 

As he strode out of the room, Aranea cursed and followed him out, beckoning to Hal, who looked like he’d just woke up. “Watch them for a minute, would you?”

“Sure,” the android muttered, shuffling into the room.

Caliborn took the chance to lean over the table and scarf down what was on Eridan’s plate. Gamzee pushed his own toward the cherub, who devoured that, too before shoving off and stretching. “Humanoid Dirk-robot. I am leaving. Do not tell the blue bitch what i did.”

“Okay, sure. But only ‘cause I like you,” the robot teased, watching Caliborn hiss and scuttle off. “Sure you don’t want any, like, actual food?” he asked Gamzee as he noticed him try to slip away again. “Might not know much about trolls, but my calculations say all living things gotta eat at least once a day.”

“M’good. ‘L get something later,” The troll mumbled as he climbed back into the vent.

“If you say so. It’s not my problem anyway.”

Gamzee sighed and crawled through the shaft slowly. It was a tight fit, and he knew eventually he’d be too big to do this, but he still had a while before that happened. He planned on going to his little hidey-hole, where, despite having his own room, he normally slept and rested. It was cozy, with a custom pile to lay in and a small stockpile of snacks, and best of all, Aranea had never found him when he was there. He didn’t want to push his luck, though, so he never stayed when he knew she was looking for him.

Noises from all over the house echoed through the vents in the walls. If he paid attention he could tell everything that was going on on this floor, and even some of what was happening downstairs. Caliborn was trying the lock, Eridan was arguing with their caretaker, and a couple floors down he could even hear Karkat complaining.

About when he reached his hideout the shouting from Eridan stopped suddenly. He knew what was happening, she had done it to him too. He curled up in his little pile and put on some headphones, intent on cancelling out what happened next.

* * *

Today was “visiting day.” This meant that they could have someone come up and visit them, given they’d been on good behavior. Kurloz was the only one who ever got anyone over.

His dancestor normally invited Mituna, which meant more noise than usual. Hal always visited the lower floors all day, more than he did regularly, and Gamzee didn’t leave his spot. Aranea had her hands full making sure the goldblood didn’t break anything, anyway.

He was a little confused when he heard her call to him. He’d thought she’d be busy arranging for Kurloz’s moirail to come meet him. She called again, and he hurried toward the sound. “Coming!”

When he slid out of the vent and stood, she was beaming at him. He’d learned to take her smiling as a bad sign. Either he was about to get his ears talked off or forced to do something “fun” with the rest of them.

She held up a small chart, with their names and stickers on it. “Look. You had five gold stars this week! You know what that means, don’t you?”

It meant he got to have someone visit. “Y-yeah… Are you sure?”

“Yes I’m sure. I never get these things wrong. Who did you want to see?”

He thought for a minute, looking down at his feet and shifting them. “Uh… Tavros?”

“Oh, little Nitram? Sure! I’ll have him up here with Tuna.” She gave him a kiss on the forehead even as he flinched away, before trotting off to get everything set up.

He had to admit he was a little excited. He hadn’t seen Tavros since, well, since before Vriska had killed the bronze. He was one of his closest friends before the game, and even the object of his affections for a short while. Of course, he’d had to get over these feelings knowing that even if he ever got to see him again, they wouldn’t be returned.

Gamzee broke into a grin as he waited. For the first time in a long time, he had a genuine cheerful smile. Since, she said, Kurloz was always the one to have someone over, Tavros would come up first. She had to make sure noone would try anything while the two of them were visiting that would ruin the meeting, so only one guest could come up at a time.

He was staying in the living area, sitting criss-cross on the couch and nearly vibrating with excitement. He all but bolted up as his guest knocked on the door. He couldn’t open it himself, so he had to wait for Aranea to unlock it. The few minutes it took her was agonizing and when she got it open he nearly tackled the troll on the other side of it.

“Whoa,, uh,,, I missed you too?” The clown sighed and nuzzled his face into the other’s chest. “Okay, as much as I’d love to keep this up, I’m pretty sure, I have to come inside.”

He nodded a bit and let go, slowly backing up to get a look at Tavros. He was bulkier than the last time he’d seen him, though it had been three human years. He was also fitted with new robotic legs, having outgrown the old ones. Equius’ skill had improved over his time in the bubbles and it showed in the craft of Tavros’ legs.

“Yeah, we can get to going in my room ‘f you’d like,” Gamzee gave him a small smile. 

“Sure,” he stepped in and closed the door behind him, Aranea swiftly relocking it. “If that’s allowed?”

“You can go anywhere, just don’t leave this floor and don’t make too much of a mess,” she waved them off, stuffing the key back into her bra. “And don’t bug any of the other tenants. Eridan especially is feeling a bit under the weather.”

Tavros nodded and gestured for Gamzee to lead the way, who eagerly headed to his room.

“Wow, uh, it’s more tidy than I expected.” Tavros looked around the organized room. “Almost looks like noone lives here.”

“I don’t,” Gamzee replied simply. “I don’t like staying here all too much.” He sat on the edge of the bed, bringing his knees to his chest.

“I see… It doesn’t look like there’s much to do here.”

“No. I sleep, mostly.”

Tavros sat by him, raising an eyebrow. Gamzee let himself lean on Tav’s shoulder with a soft, contented sigh. The warmth from his body was calming.

Tavros shifted slightly, looking down at the shorter. “Why did you want me to come here?”

“I… wanted to see you… gets lonely here, y’know? ‘Most enough t’ drive a brother mad.” Gamzee inched his hand over, putting it over one of Tavros’.

The bronzeblood pulled his hand away, resting it in his own lap. “So you’d be fine if you had other people around? Or just me?”

Gamzee sat up slightly, looking at his face. It didn’t help him much, he’d never been very good at reading expressions. “What… oh- no, I just-” He backpedaled, realizing his poor choice of words. “I just, I don’t like it much, is all-”

“And you need me to make it better, right? You need someone else to comfort you because you don’t like the consequences?”

Gamzee looked away, biting his lip. “I just wanted to see you again… It’s been so long…”

“Not long enough…” Tavros muttered, shoving the clown back onto the bed. “I don’t think it ever will be, honestly. You’re too clingy.” 

Before he could respond, there was a large hand clasped over his mouth, keeping it shut and pinning his head down at once. His hands instinctively tried to grab and pull the hand away, but the other was stronger. The other hand grasped his thigh and pulled his leg up, hitching it over his shoulder so he could reach back down to tug his sweatpants down.

Gamzee let out a muffled yelp, squirming and trying to pull away, but he was trapped. Tavros tsked, staring at the scars criss-crossing his thighs. “You’re really pathetic, aren’t you? You think you have it hard when you get what you deserve?”

Tavros tugged down his own shorts, revealing a writhing bulge, curling around itself. Gamzee shook his head, eyes squeezed shut as he felt tears build up. With no warning, the thick appendage was shoved inside his nook, causing him to moan out as the tears spilled over. His own bulge slipped out, curling around itself and twisting.

“Slut,” the larger growled.

 _This can’t be real,_ Gamzee felt like he was suffocating, _he would never do this,_ he felt like he was being torn apart. He felt like he was dying again.

“You brought this on yourself, you know? You deserve to hurt like this.” His voice sounded distorted, as if he was talking with a mouth full of water. Gamzee felt something warm drip down onto his face and pried his eyes open to see that the other troll was covered in gore, and injuries, blood dripping down and spattering as he thrust his hips relentlessly.

Gamzee’s eyes widened, more tears falling as he tried desperately to pry Tavros’ hand off him. He sobbed and struggled to no avail.

_This isn’t real! It’s not real! Wake up wake upwakeupwakeupWAKEUP!_

* * *

Gamzee woke with a start, drenched in sweat and bulge squirming in his pants. The house was quiet, and all he could hear was his own panting. He sobbed silently, knowing if he made too much noise he’d be found, and clung to a replica sea-goat plush. It was all he had to cling to on nights his lusus was away in the past. He needed it.

These nightmares weren’t too uncommon for Gamzee. He hated himself for what he’d done, and he could never let himself live it down. Not when some of his friends were still suffering because of him.

The plush was battered and stained purple from how many times he’d cried into it, hoping the pain would stop even though he knew he didn’t deserve that. He waited for his wriggly to go away and listened quietly for any sign she was around before he moved. He grabbed a bottle of water and a tin-wrapped cheesecake from his snack pile before he left and headed toward Eridan’s room.

As he suspected, Eridan was unconscious from his punishment, fins flicking idly with the rise and fall of his chest. He looked almost peaceful, but that wouldn’t last long. Gamzee didn’t ever like to see the aftermath of this, but he felt obligated to help his friend feel better. It’s what he would want someone to do for him. He set the snack on Eridan’s nightstand before climbing back into the vents silently.

He wandered aimlessly, not paying attention at all, until a noise drew his attention. It sounded like someone was struggling, so he slowly made his way toward the noise. He arrived at the source to find Caliborn stuck halfway in a vent and scrabbling at the walls. “You! Dumb clown! Help me!” He hissed and Gamzee heard a thunk that was probably him kicking the wall.

The troll shuffled forward, just short of where Cal could reach him, to see how he could help.

“How the fuck. Do you fit in there,” Caliborn grunted and squirmed some more. Gamzee hummed and moved to grab Cal’s shoulder and push. With a little effort, he managed to get the cherub loose and try to get him out. When his shoulders popped out he started to fall, and Gamzee grabbed his wrists to keep him from getting hurt. Caliborn held on instinctively, claws digging into flesh unintentionally, which caused the clown to hiss in pain and try to pull his arms back.

Luckily, it wasn’t that far a fall, but Caliborn still hit the floor with a loud _thunk,_ bringing down a vase with him as he flailed. “WHAT THE FUCK!”

Gamzee cringed, holding his arm and examining it. Blood flowed out from a reopened wound, dampening the sleeves of his shirt. The flesh around the cut felt on fire, and he bit his lip. The other arm wasn’t bleeding quite as bad, just a couple pinpricks, though it didn’t relieve him much. It was even more obvious that something was up, and Aranea would probably be there to investigate the noise any minute. He started backing away with his good arm, holding the other close to his chest. He ignored the cherub calling after him, more focused on getting back to his safe place. There was a first aid kit there, and though he wasn’t very good at it, he could still stop the bleeding with some gauze. He would need to get back to his room for a new shirt, though, and that worried him.

He managed to get away, though the other troll would definitely see the blood in the vent. He hoped he would have enough time to change and patch himself up before she went looking for him. Once in his makeshift den, he shifted through the pile, looking for the first aid. He didn’t worry about making much noise, he’d made sure not to have anything too loud in there. Though the sound of his horns was comforting, they echoed through the vents, annoyed the other tenants, and drew too much attention to him.

When Gamzee found what he was looking for, he tugged off his shirt and tossed it out of the way so he could bandage himself up. He probably needed to clean the wound first, but he had no idea how to even start. Jagged scars littered his body, a product of wounds that hadn’t been properly cared for in the past. He hadn’t got too bad of an infection yet, though, and he hoped it would stay that way.

Once he was bandaged up properly, or as close as he could get, he used the already blood-stained shirt to wipe away the remaining blood and made his way towards his room. He still couldn’t put much pressure on his bad arm, so he did the same three-legged crawl as before. Blood that had dripped on the floor soaked into his pants even though he tried to avoid it, so he noted he’d have to change entirely. 

When he got to his room, he found that the cerulean was already waiting for him there, and he startled, moving to leave. She caught him, however, and he pushed the vent open with his bad arm and tumbled out. He hissed and clutched the bandaged appendage to his chest, curling in on himself.

“Come here, let me see your arm. Caliborn says you were bleeding pretty bad.” Gamzee whimpered and tried to hide, but she forced him to lay still as she walked over and grabbed his arm to look at it. “I see you already bandaged it… and it would be wasteful to unwrap it just to see. I only wanted to know you’re okay.” Gamzee bit his lip, avoiding looking at her. “Caliborn says it was an accident. Is this true?” He nodded slowly, and she released his arm. “Your pants are all bloody… here, I’ll help you change.” 

Gamzee tried to shake his head, or get up and make her leave his room, but he couldn’t do anything but lay and stare at the ceiling as she grabbed the waistband of his pants and pulled them off. He felt his face heat up, but he couldn’t even move to hide himself.

“No need to be embarrassed,” she chuckled, picking out an outfit for him and moving over. “Though it probably would benefit you to wear underwear sometimes.” He made an ashamed little noise, closing his eyes as she began to dress him. She did give him some boxer briefs, but she let him wear his long sleeves and loose sweatpants otherwise, even though it was the middle of summer. After she was done, she released him and left with a quick peck pressed to his cheek.

He lay on the floor for a while, curling up on himself again and sniffling. He hated to be treated like a young wriggler like she did, but she never paid attention to what he wanted. He could have dressed himself, even with his bandaged arm. He’d done it before.

After a little while, he heard a knock on his door, so he pulled himself up to answer it. When he opened the door, he saw Caliborn standing in front of it. 

“That dumb bitch. Is making me apologize.”

Gamzee glanced away. “‘S fine.”

“Why are you still here?” The question caught Gamzee off guard, and it showed in his face. “The vents. They connect to the whole building. And even outside. And only you can fit in them. You’ve never thought. About using them to escape?”

Gamzee looked down and bit his lip. Caliborn grunted and moved to leave, before Gamzee stopped him. “She got a point to her. We need this, else we hurt someone else thinking it’s all okay since we didn’t get no punishment for it.”

The cherub tsked, waving him off. “You’re even stupider. Than I thought.” With that, he was gone.

Gamzee sighed and closed his door again, grabbing a small rag and climbing back into the vent. He knew the blood wouldn’t be gone, because everyone was expected to clean up their own mess. On top of that, he was the only one on this floor that could fit into the vents, like Caliborn had said. Hal could extend his arms, but he couldn’t see where they were if he stuck them in, and there was a limit to how far they could go. He also had to retrieve the ruined shirt.

Once everything was taken care of, he decided to go back to his hideout and think. There was so much going on in his head that he couldn’t quite comprehend without some time. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gamzee and Eridan find solace in eachother.

Gamzee had given some thought to what Caliborn had said. If he were to, theoretically, use the vents to leave this place, what he would do. Where he would go. Would he talk to anyone before he left? Would they turn him in?

Would he be able to live with himself?

He knew that it would benefit him, to leave this place. He wouldn’t have to worry about his mind being suddenly invaded as much. Noone would try to baby him. He’d never face punishment again.

But if he left, he’d be leaving behind his friends. Everyone else would have to suffer through this and continue to be at her mercy while he whiled away his time in the woods. He’d considered hiding in a cave and hunting his own food like Nepeta had on Alternia, but he wasn’t sure he could hunt without every kill reminding him of what he did.

He couldn’t leave. He couldn’t just disappear and fend for himself. They would find him, or he’d come back. He’d never be able to live without the comfort of his pile, or without real food. He couldn’t leave.

He’d been sleeping in his own room for a few days. Aranea had been checking up on him regularly, and it was less effort to stay in one spot instead of going back and forth. He didn’t like that she did that. He was more comfortable in his pile and the stuff she put on his wound to clean it stung.

He was trying to get comfortable on his mattress, firm from disuse, when there was a knock at his door. “Come in,” He grunted, laying face down on the pillow. He heard heeled shoes click on the floor as they approached, and stop by his bed.

“Wwell I can’t talk to you like that,” a nasally sigh followed the statement. “I wwas plannin’ on thankin’ you. Thought you’d be honored to hawe me, but I guess not.”

Gamzee raised his head and looked at the seadweller, eyes widening a bit. “Oh, ‘s you.”

“That’s all you gotta say?” Eridan sighed again and sat at the foot of the bed. “Wwhatewer. Noww that you’ll actually look at me, I got somethin’ to say to you.”

Gamzee stared for a moment. “You wanna… thank me? What for?”

“The cake. You didn’t leawe nothin’, but I figured you’re the only one wwho’d do that.”

“Oh. I… You’re welcome. Did you like it?”

“Yeah. You made it too, didn’t you?”

Gamzee nodded a bit, looking down as his face flushed. “It was the first real food I done cooked. I was hoping you’d like to taste of it.”

“I figured. Showin’ slime in the owen don’t much account for cookin’, does it?” He chuckled, crossing his legs. “I wwoulda thanked you before but I couldn’t be sure it wwasn’t Ara then.”

“How’d you know it weren’t her this time?”

“She don’t like us to hawe swweets if wwe hawen’t been good.”

They sat in silence for a minute longer, Eridan messing with the rings on his fingers. They were all replicas, now, creations of the bubbles materialized when he was brought back. They looked real enough, but they didn’t shine the same way, and they didn’t have the same weight.

“I don’t get howw eweryone thinks you’re as ewil as the rest a’ us. I newer seen you lash out or lose your temper, you do things like leawe snacks for people wwhen you knoww they’re hurtin’... Hell, I was pretty damn certain you wwere scared a’ your owwn shadoww.”

Gamzee shuffled around and looked at Eridan again, watching his face. The violet-blood was still staring at his hands.

“I can understand eweryone else. Kur definitely giwes off stalker wibes, Cal is wiolent and bad-tempered, I wwould talk nonstop about wwantin’ to kill off all ladwwellers, and Wris killed people ewen before the game! But you wwere always kinda…”

“Pathetic..?” Gamzee brought his knees to his chest, staring at him.

“I wwas gonna say more like chill… I guess?”

“Sopor.”

“Right, but. Howw wwould you ewen go from that to,” Eridan waved his arms vaguely, “crazy wiolent psycho killer? Ewen noww you’re just, quiet.”

Gamzee looked at him some more, studying him. “If I told you what happened you wouldn’t believe me.”

Eridan raised an eyebrow. “Wwe played a game that killed our planet and transported me into a dangerous wworld full a’ real,  _ actual,  _ angels, wwere chased by a one-armed barkbeast carapacian fusion, interacted wwith a uniwerse wwe helped make full a’ fleshy pink monkeys, died, wwere brought back in the dream bubbles, a lotta us died again, an’ then brought back again here wwith the fleshy pink monkeys and wweird green skeleton creatures. Try me.”

Gamzee opened his mouth, closed it, and bit his lip. “Well… about when Tav died I went and found this… human-lookin’ doll thing.” Eridan nodded and hummed. “An’ when I went to take a look at it, it spoke at me. But not, really, it was up all in my head.”

“Like… chucklevoodoos, or?”

“Yeah, like ‘Loz’s at least. I didn’t know I could have them, in and of the time then. He done told me, his name was Lil Cal and that I were him and he were me, and that we was the messiahs of our own, and that we was the most powerful beings there existed.”

“I guess I understand that. I wwas alwways taught I wwas better than eweryone. An’ I had to unlearn that the hard wway.”

Gamzee nodded. “Well, he said at me that if I was to let him do what he needed, i wasn’t ever gonna be all lonely again. He said, people wouldn’t just wanna be around me, that they’d be needing to.” Gamzee looked away and started messing with his hair. “I was hurting. I was having pains in my head and in my stomach ‘cause the sopor was gone, and I couldn’t get noone to care about me or even like me. After I realized it was a mistake there was nothing I could do to stop it. I tried, with the little ability I had in me to, but I never shoulda listened at him in the firstmost place.” Gamzee tried to hold back tears, but they’d already started. “It never woulda happened if I wasn’t so useless and stupid.”

Eridan was silent for a bit, trying to think of what to say. After a minute, he put his arm around Gamzee and hugged him close. “I’m sorry.” The smaller troll hugged back and sobbed softly into Eridan’s shirt. “I knoww it wwon’t help anythin’... but I’m sorry about the wway I treated you. I alwways just… thought you wwere okay wwith it. I knoww I’m still a prick, but… I’m tryin’ to be better. An’ maybe, if I can get better at bein’ nice, you can get better at bein’ strong.”

Gamzee sobbed more, clutching him tight. “What makes you think I can be strong right now? How can you be looking at me like this and say I can be strong?”

Eridan ran his fingers through Gamzee’s thick curls, shushing him. “It’s okay to cry. Ewen the strongest people cry. It’s easy to forget wwhen you greww up wwhere wwe did, but it’s okay to cry. You deserwe to cry, Gam.”

_ You deserve to feel safe enough to cry. _

He held the sobbing troll in his arms, comforting him as he cried. Eventually, the clown fell asleep. Eridan stayed, though, resting with him and listening to the soft sound of his breathing. Gamzee had to have a lot of trust in him to make himself so vulnerable in front of Eridan. The thought that someone trusted him that much made his heart ache in a way it hadn’t in a long time. It made him want to keep that trust for a long time.

* * *

Gamzee slept an hour and a half, dancing between wakefulness and full unconsciousness in a way that left his slumber dreamless. Probably for the best, all things considered.

In this time, Eridan had dozed off as well, so when Gamzee woke up he was greeted with the sight of the seadweller curled against him. He smiled softly, slowly moving to press a kiss to the sleeping troll’s cheek.

Eridan was aroused from his slumber by this little kiss, and upon seeing the other he smiled drowsily. “Mornin’,” he mumbled, moving to lace his fingers in Gamzee’s, “Sleep wwell?”

Gamzee nodded a little, blushing. He wanted to ask what this was, but he didn’t want to drive off the other. Similar thoughts made their way into Eridan’s head, which left the both of them silently staring at eachother.

“So…” the violet began.

“So.”

Another moment of silence. “Are you hungry? ‘Cause I’m  _ starwin’.” _

Gamzee nodded, moving to get up. “I can grab us some snacks.”

“I can do it,” Eridan followed him in standing, “You don’t hawe to.”

“No, it’s fine.”

A small chuckle from the seadweller. “Howw about wwe go together?

Gamzee giggled a bit as well. “Sure.”

Eridan hesitantly took Gamzee’s hand in his, watching his reaction. When the shorter troll didn't try to pull away or look uncomfortable, he headed toward the kitchen.

On the way, they ran into Aranea, who seemed like she was headed toward Gamzee’s room. “Oh, there you are! I was just about to check on you. Is your arm alright?”

Gamzee subconsciously moved to hide behind Eridan and nodded bashfully. “Don’t hurt as much now…”

Eridan looked down at the clown, eyebrow raised. “Wwhat happened to your arm?”

“Nothing… It was a accident.”

“ _ An  _ accident, Gamzee. Let me see your arm.”

He bit his lip and looked down. He knew he had to, but he didn’t want Eridan to see what he’d done to himself. He might hate him if he saw. Gamzee didn’t want to lose… whatever it was he had with the seadweller.

“Gamzee. You won’t like it if I have to make you.”

He hesitantly held out his bandaged arm to her and she held it, pulling up his sleeve and unwrapping the gauze.

Eridan showed no emotion on his face, but as the bandage was removed, his fins flicked in surprise. He kept quiet, though, and held Gamzee’s hand as Aranea cleaned and redressed the wound.

Gamzee glanced up at Eridan as she walked away, rubbing his wrist absently.The taller placed a hand on his back. “Wwe’ll talk about it later.” Gamzee nodded and leaned against him a little as they kept walking.

Once settled back in Gamzee’s room with snacks, they both ate in silence for a minute or two. Neither of them knew how to start the conversation they both knew they had to have. Gamzee was the first to say anything.

“Are you… upset with me?”

“I- no, a’ course not. I’m… wworried about you, is all.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t hawe ta-” Eridan bit his lip, thinking. “I wwanna showw you somethin’.”

Gamzee stared at him, waiting. Eridan took a deep breath and slowly tugged off his scarf to reveal a faint scar circling his neck.

“I- I’we been wwhere you are, Gam. I wwas pretty close to bein’ there again.”

Gamzee looked away and put his hands in his lap. “You gonna try to tell me it gets better?”

There was silence, for a moment. “No, I knoww I can’t promise that… but… I wwanted you to knoww, someone would care. I wwould care.”

Gamzee looked up, starting to tear up again. “I- thank you.”

Eridan wrapped his arms around the smaller and tugged him close, if only to hide his own tears. “I knoww it hurts. I’m here for you.”

Gamzee bit his lip and buried his face in Eridan’s shirt. He spoke quietly, like he was unsure. “P-pale for you…”

Eridan drew in a small breath, feeling his heart flutter. “Pale for you too.”

* * *

Days passed. Weeks. It was still bad, but having Eridan around made it feel a little bit better. Blades became harder to find. Punishments hurt less.

Some days Gamzee left the safety of his hideout willingly.

Eridan seemed happier, too. He seemed more talkative, and he smiled more. Even Gamzee could tell what that meant.

They both comforted eachother. They felt safe around eachother. They could confide in and share their secrets with eachother without fear of being judged. It was amazing.

Gamzee couldn’t stop wondering when it would end.

One night, huddled up together in Eridan’s scarf pile in his room when they were too scared to sleep and wound up keeping eachother awake, he admitted he was scared.

“Gam, I promise, as long as I can help it I wwill  _ newer _ leawe you.”

“But-”   
“Newer.”

Gamzee nodded and hid his face. “Promise?”

“Promise.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gamzee tries and fails to get away

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up, there's another rape scene in this chapter.  
> Read the new tags if you haven't already!

Time passed quickly, days blurring into eachother. The dull drag became a steady trot as things got better. To Gamzee, there was nothing in the world better than spending time with Eridan.

But all good things must come to an end.

Eventually, someone had to find out. It’s not exactly like they were hiding it. They had no idea it would cause problems.

Eridan and Gamzee were cuddling together, talking about nothing to waste the time when Aranea came to interrupt them. They looked up as she entered the room, having let herself in.

“I’d like to talk to you both for a moment,” she smiled, but there was a bite behind her words that made them wonder if they were in trouble.

Eridan shifted. He kept his face neutral, but the flickering of his fins gave away his nervousness. “Wwell, wwhat is it?”

She moved forward and pulled out Eridan’s desk chair to sit in front of them both. “It’s about,” she gestured toward them both, “this.”

“What about? We didn’t do nothing,” Gamzee’s hold tightened on his moirail slightly.

“Well no, not yet you haven’t.”

“Wwhat’s that mean?”

Aranea sighed, folded her hands in her lap and cleared her throat. “We’re afraid that the two of you being so close could cause… problems. Both of you were highly dangerous in the past, and it could be dangerous to let you cooperate. You understand where I’m coming from, don’t you?” She tilted her head and gave a pout.

As much as he wanted to argue, Gamzee couldn’t help but agree that her point was fair. They had every reason to be worried if two murders started getting along with eachother.

Eridan had different ideas. “No, I don’t see. Wwe aren’t hurting anyone, so wwhy do you need to get on our asses about us just bein’ together?”

“Eridan, I understand you’re upset, but it’s for the best that-”

“Shut up! You can’t fuckin’ punish us just ‘cause you don’t like that wwe’re happy!” Eridan stood, fins flared. Gamzee grabbed his hand and tugged, but he paid no attention. “I knoww wwe did bad thin’s in the past, but that doesn’t mean wwe deserwe to be miserable an’ lonely all the time! Gam fuckin’ deserwes to be happy!”

Gamzee tugged harder, feeling the lump in his throat preventing his from speaking. He didn’t want Eridan in trouble for trying to defend him.

“Calm down, Eridan,” Aranea responded cooly, beginning to stand as well.

“I’ll calm dowwn wwhen I’m  _ dead,” _ he hissed, baring his teeth.

“Gamzee, go to your room.”

“I-it’s not his fault, please don’t get him in trouble-”

“Go. To. Your. Room.”

Gamzee glanced up at Eridan, who looked down at him to give him a reassuring smile.  _ I’ll be okay,  _ he mouthed.

Gamzee swallowed and got up, leaving the room with a nervous glance over his shoulder. 

As soon as he got to his room he heard the noises start. He whimpered and curled up on the floor, covering his ears.

He should have stayed with him. Even if it meant he’d be in trouble too. He should have stayed, but he ran away because he was scared. Because he was a coward.

He had refused to cry in front of her, but she wasn’t with him now. He sobbed silently and hid his face in his own knees, rocking himself back and forth.

Why was he so useless?

* * *

Aranea put them both under “house arrest,” which meant they couldn’t leave their rooms except to use the restroom. She checked up on them regularly, and when one of them needed to go she escorted them. There was no way out of it.

Gamzee got restless. He couldn’t hide in his pile and he couldn’t talk to his moirail.

He didn’t even know if they were together anymore.

He started counting the minutes on his clock, then he started counting the minutes when she was gone. He wrote it down, the number of minutes she would stay gone. He counted how long she stayed in his head after she left.

If she knew what he was doing she didn’t show it.

Thirty minutes gone. Five minutes monitoring him. He had twenty-five minutes.

He waited until she left, then until she left him truly alone, then a minute after that. Twenty-four.

He climbed into the vent and shuffled along to Eridan’s room. It took him three minutes. It would take three to get back. He had eighteen minutes to talk to him. He’d make it count. He pushed the vent open slightly, and hissed to get the seadweller’s attention.

Eridan turned his head, fins flicking a little as he approached the vent. “Gam?”

Gamzee nodded, shuffling forward a bit more. “I’m sorry.”

“For wwhat?”

“I left you behind…”

“It’s okay. I wwanted to protect you.”

“I wanted to protect you too.”

Eridan reached for Gamzee’s hand, who readily gave it to him. “I lowe you.”

“I love you, too.”

“Wwould you do anythin’ for me?”

“Anything.”

“Good. Then I wwant you to listen to me and do exactly wwhat I say.”

Gamzee nodded.

“I wwant you to leawe.”

He started, taken aback. “What?”

“You said you’d do anythin’. I wwant you to leawe, get outta here. If one a’ us gets out, there’s a better chance for the rest a’ us but you’re the only one wwho can right noww.”

“But- what if I can’t get you out too?”

“I’ll be okay, I promise. Just, go. Do it for me, please.”

Gamzee drew in a deep breath, feeling tears well up. “I- okay.”

“Thank you.” Eridan leaned forward, pressing their lips together. Gamzee closed his eyes, kissing back softly as tears began to spill down his cheeks.

Six minutes left. 

Gamzee pulled away reluctantly. “I have to go.”

“Go wwhere?” Eridan wanted to confirm.

“Back to my room. She’ll be back to check up in on me.”

“Right. Wwouldn’t wwant her to think somethin’ wwas up.”

Gamzee nodded and slowly left, closing the vent again. The trip back took five minutes, and it seemed so much harder. He hardly had enough time to dry his eyes before she would check on him again.

“Have you been crying again?” He sniffed and shook his head while he tried to think of something else. If he was thinking about leaving when she got in his head he’d be in even bigger trouble. “I know you’re upset, but try to think about how it affects other people. Everyone feels much safer this way.” 

“I know… Don’t stop it from giving me hurt.”

“Think of it this way: with good behavior maybe one day you can leave and start a healthier relationship.”

His relationship with Eridan  _ was  _ healthy. When compared to the one he had with Karkat, it was much more mutually beneficial, and they understood eachother better.

Aranea checked his arms and legs, paid close attention to what he was thinking about, gave him a pat on the head and a kiss, and then left. He had five minutes before she was gone completely. He had twenty-five minutes after that to get far enough away that she wouldn’t find him too easily.

* * *

Prepared with snacks and a makeshift weapon, Gamzee felt ready to try. He’d never been anywhere but the top floor. He wouldn’t know his way around the rest of the building. He was nervous.

It had taken him five minutes to prepare and three more to psych himself up. He only had seventeen left. 

The vent that led downward was directly vertical, which would be hard to travel. He’d never had to travel directly up or down before, because the building on the meteor only had one floor.

When he reached the area where he would climb down, he slowly lowered himself, hanging onto the ledge. He pressed his feet against one wall and his back against the other and let go. He slid down some at first, but he managed to press harder on the walls and stop himself. He’d stopped counting time when he started paying attention to what he was doing. He hoped it wasn’t taking him too long.

He started making his way down by moving his feet down, one after the other, and using his hands to pull the upper half of his body down. It was working pretty well, for the most part, and he managed to get down to the next floor with little problems. The hardest part was getting himself into the horizontal vents again.

He doubted he needed to be here, but he wanted to do something before he left… He pricked his ears as he moved, listening.

He didn’t find who he was looking for, so he moved down to the next floor. Listening closely, he heard Terezi talking to someone else.

He wanted to apologize. He had hurt her. He knew he hadn’t been in his right mind, but he’d still done it, and he wanted her to know he was sorry. He never got the chance to apologize, to any of them.

Heading toward the voice, he heard another familiar voice, and realized with a chill that Vriska must be with her. He carefully settled himself to look into her room through the grate. If she took too long with her he might have to move on without saying anything… Maybe he could find a phone or something, and log onto Trollian?

In his absent state of mind, he leaned forward a bit too much, and hardly managed to stop himself from tumbling into her room. He let out a startled noise, then immediately covered his mouth and held his breath.

The two stopped talking, Vriska looking up to the vent in the wall. “What was that?”

Terezi turned her head in that direction as well and sniffed slightly. He realized belatedly that he was in a compromising position, with the air flow behind him it would carry his scent toward the girls.

“Maybe the vent is messing up,” the teal-blood shrugged and leaned back.

“Yeaaaaaaaah, maybe… the air in here is getting kinda stuffy, too. Maybe we should move.”

Vriska led her partner out, taking one last suspicious glance toward him before she closed the door. Gamzee let out his breath in a gasp, laying down and panting.

He couldn’t stay still for long. He’d wasted too much time here and She was probably already looking for him.

When he moved to leave, however, something stopped him. He couldn’t move. He felt his body forcibly relaxing.

_ No, nonono she can’t have already found me- _

“Hey, clown, I know you’re up there! Why were you spying on us?” Vriska bit as she stepped into the room.

This was worse.

“I asked you a question stupid!”

He thought it was rhetorical.

“Nooooooooo, it wasn’t.” She was in his head. He didn’t want her in there. He answered her question.

“Is that really the best excuse you could come up with you little creep? If you’re so eager to  _ apologize,  _ how come you didn’t do it sooner?”

He couldn’t. She wouldn’t let him contact anyone.

“That is the dumbest hoofbeast shit I have ever heard!” she cackled, stepping closer. “How about you come down here and fucking look me in the face!”

He tried to fight it, but he was already pushing the grate open and climbing out. This close he could really look at her, and… she’d got bigger. So much bigger.

“No, I’m pretty sure you just got smaller,” she laughed. “I know the higher you are the slower you grow but holy shit!” 

He felt his face flush with shame as she marched even closer and leaned down.

“Who the fuck told you that you could come out of your cage, dog?”

He shivered, heart racing as she got closer and closer.

“Maybe someone should teach you a lesson.”

Please don’t.

She slapped him, sending him reeling and stumbling backward. She gave him control of his own body, but she hadn’t yet left his mind. “That is for being disobedient and escaping.”

He scrambled back, pressing himself against the wall. He wanted to scream, but she wouldn’t let him.

She kicked him in the gut and he doubled over with a gasp. “That’s for lying to me.”

It wasn’t a lie…

She kicked him again.

Tears made their way down his face and he wrapped his arms around himself as he crumpled onto the ground.

“Crybaby. Take off your clothes.”

He stared up at her through bleary eyes, hoping he’d heard her wrong.

“You heard me, bitch. Strip, before I make you.”

He shook his head, curling up tighter on himself.

She growled and kneeled in front of him, making him look at her. He slowly started to pull off his clothes, keeping eye contact. “This, is for spying on us.” 

He hated himself for not being able to fight it. He hated himself for being so weak.

Vriska smirked and reached over to pinch one of his grubscars painfully between two claws. “Woooooooow, you’re really pathetic. Where’s all that fight and stubbornness now? You really don’t expect me to take pity on you, do you?”

He whimpered and stiffened, trying to squirm away from her.

“Come on, big guy, fight back. You said you’d kill every single one of us, didn’t you? So do it. Kill me, right now.”

He hissed in pain as she tightened her hold. Her claws dug into the sensitive flesh and blood dripped from it.

_ Please. Stop. Please. Hurts. _

“Do you think it didn’t hurt when you killed them? When you abused her?”

_ Sorry. Sorry. Please. _

She laughed and scratched him deep as she pulled her hand back. “I’m not the one you should be apologizing to! Isn’t that right, sister?”

Terezi stepped into view, sniffing at the air and kneeling by them. “Did you cut him?”

“Just a little. I think he has something to tell you though.”

He felt his voice return to him and he let out a soft sob. “I’m- sorry- I’m sorry- I-” He tried to think of something to tell her that would make up for it, but he couldn’t.

Terezi stood, braced her hands against the wall behind him and kicked him square in the face. “Is that all you have to fucking say to me?!” He gasped and scrabbled to get away, but he was forced to stay still again. “Do you have any idea what you put me through?” Another kick. His head hit the wall and bounced off. “Do you have  _ any idea _ the pain I went through?” Another kick. He heard a crack, and felt warmth trickle from his nose. “Because you made me feel weak,” kick, “and pathetic,” kick, “and worthless!” Kick. “And all. You have. To say for yourself. Is ‘sorry’!?” 

Clear, blue liquid dripped to the ground in front of him and he realized through the haze of the pain that she was crying.

He knew. He knew he hurt her and he knew there was no possible way he could ever make up for it. He knew she could never forgive him, that he didn’t deserve her forgiveness.

“I’m sorry,” he slurred, breathing heavy and uneven. He didn’t know what else to say.

“Fuck you!” she cried, and she kicked him again. “I’m nowhere near done with you. Not after what you did.”

He had nearly forgotten that he was naked, until he felt Vriska shove him and pull his legs open.

“Hgk- No. Please. Please I- I’ll lay still and let you beat me, just- not this, please…”

“Shut up,” she hissed, and he lost his voice again.

Vriska made him sit up and pulled him into her lap. He felt her bulge rub against him and he felt sick. He wished they would just turn him back in to Aranea. He felt himself getting slicker, and his bulge stirred. She was doing something to his mind to make him horny. He hoped she was doing that. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want it to feel good.

He felt Terezi seat herself behind him and grab his hips roughly. He grabbed onto Vriska’s shirt. Their bulges twined under him and rubbed up against his nook, not yet entering him.

“You wanna get this over with?” Vriska asked, holding his chin in one hand.

He nodded, panting softly. He tasted salt and copper. How long had he been crying for?

“Then work for it, whore,” she bit, grinning.

Gamzee whimpered and his hands tightened in her shirt. He could move now, but he wouldn’t get very far if he tried to run. He shakily raised his hips, reaching between them to grab the girls’ bulges and guide them to his own nook. He stared at the ceiling, breath hitching as they pushed in and writhed. He whined and stilled for a moment, their combined thickness stretching him open painfully.

Terezi seemed to get impatient, however, and thrust her hips up roughly. Gamzee cried out, lurching forward. His bulge was forced out as his nook was filled, wrapping around itself sluggishly.

“You better start moving, perp,” the teal growled, prompting a laugh from her partner.

Gamzee gasped and shivered, slowly starting to roll his hips. He focused on the pain to distract himself from the pleasure.

Vriska leaned back on her hands and watched. There was a noticeable hitch in her breath and she was flushed blue from her cheeks to her shoulders. “Fuuuuuuuuck, Tez,” she chuckled breathlessly. “Haven’t seen you so fired up in a  _ long _ time.”

Terezi just growled again and shoved forward, fucking deep and hard into him. “He moves too slow.”

Vriska tsked. “Yeah. I had low expectations but this is still kinda disappointing.” 

Gamzee gasped as he felt himself freeze against his will before slamming his hips back down. He let out a pained moan, tears overflowing and spilling down his cheeks. He gasped and sobbed as Vriska forced him to ride both their bulges with no time to adjust.

Terezi moaned, “That’s more like it~” and her nails dug into the flesh on his thighs, clawing scratch marks into his skin.

They both continued to fuck him for a while, maybe hours. He’d been on the brink of orgasm several times but Vriska wouldn’t let him cum. ‘ _ Toys don’t cum’ _ she said, gripping his bulge painfully tight. Eventually everything went blurry and hazy. He was hardly aware of anything, going limp wherever she wasn’t making him move. He might have been drooling. By the time they were finished with him, he was a brainless wreck. 

“Think we might’ve overdone it?” Terezi’s shrill voice penetrated the fog of his mind. He registered that they weren’t touching him anymore, and that he was still naked and laying in a warm puddle.

“Nah, he’ll be fine in a bit. You said you stabbed him like, twenty times and he was still standing.” He couldn’t move or speak and his vision was blurred. He was relying on touch and hearing alone to gather his surroundings. “So you think we should turn him in, or keep him?”

“Turn him in. I got what I wanted to done.”

“Fiiiiiiiine. Spoilsport.”

He felt someone pick him up and sling him over their shoulder, and promptly passed out.

* * *

By the time he was there enough to be returned to Aranea, two days had passed. He’d drifted in and out of consciousness and would sometimes break into random fits of sobbing. His wounds were almost healed. Vriska wanted to wait until they were fully healed, but Terezi said they should be honest.

They only talked when they thought he was asleep.

When they finally turned him in, Aranea had asked no questions. After the other two had left, she took Gamzee aside and examined him.

“I assume you’ve learned your lesson?”

He nodded slightly, staring at his feet.

“You won’t do it again, will you?”

“No ma’am…”

She hummed and pat his back. “Good boy. I’ll let you go to your room now. You look like you need some rest.”

He nodded again and went to lay down in his room. He was too tired to do anything else.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gamzee does a Bad Thing that earns him the favor of a couple housemates

Since Gamzee had got out, Aranea had bolted all the vents shut. They couldn’t be opened without some sort of power tool.

Gamzee lamented the loss of some of his favorite things that had been left in his pile. He especially missed his seagoat plush, since he could no longer go to his moirail for comfort.

He hadn’t slept for weeks.

His nightmares only got worse and worse. Visions of his friends’ corpses, blood on his hands. Of monsters tearing him apart and forcing their way inside his guts. He couldn’t sleep. Even if he tried, his mind would force him awake again.

He never left his room if he didn’t have to. He hardly processed anything that happened around him. Some days he felt like he couldn’t move, like his limbs were strapped down with heavy weights. He barely ate. 

When he was trapped in bed and couldn’t move, he couldn't do anything but think and regret. If he hadn’t left, he would be able to sleep sometimes. If he hadn’t left, he could still see Eridan, if he was careful. If he hadn’t left, he could still get to his pile.

Sometimes he would think too much and wind up crying silently into his pillow.

Aranea did what she could to help him. It took weeks, but eventually he got to the point he could live somewhat normally again. The days he couldn’t move became fewer and far between. His nightmares were still bad, but he learned to better deal with them. He could eat at the table with everyone else again.

It was a while before he got the chance to be alone with Eridan again, but it happened. There was a moment of silence, both of them wanting to hug the other. Eridan spoke first.

“Gam… I- missed you.”

Gamzee nodded and stared at the floor. “I… been having missed you too.”

“I’m sorry. I newer shoulda told you t’ leawe.”

“Not your fault… I did some stupid shit ‘n got m’self caught.”

“I’m sorry I wwasn’t there…”

Gamzee looked up, messing with his hands. “You don’t gotta be. You couldn’t have…”

“I’m sorry anywway. I wwish I coulda been able to comfort you, at least.”

Gamzee was silent for a moment. “I wish you coulda been, too…”

They both went quiet, unsure of what to do or say. They hadn’t talked with eachother in a long time.

The longer they stayed like that, the more uneasy Gamzee got. He tried to look at Eridan’s face, but he couldn’t tell what he was thinking. How the hell did people do that? There was no way to tell just from his face. He tried looking in his eyes and he still came up with nothing.

After a minute, he couldn’t take it anymore, and he pulled Eridan into a hug, hiding his face in the taller’s chest. He sniffed and held on like he might suddenly disappear. “I missed you so much… I wanted to tell at you everything that got done on me and I wanted to be able to see you but I couldn’t and it was so awful and I missed you. I missed you.”

Eridan wrapped his arms around Gamzee and pet his hair. “Shhh, it’s okay. I’m here noww…” Punishment be damned, his moirail needed him.

Gamzee sniffed and let out a little hiccup, clinging to him. “H- I- I c- It h-hurt- s-s-so ba-ad- I th-thought I- thought I w-was gon-gonna die- I w-want-ted to- to die-”

Eridan shushed him gently, rocking back and forth. He said nothing, and listened.

“I- hic- Th- the nigh-nightmares- I could-couldn’t sl-leep,” he started to sob brokenly.

Eridan held him tight and softly pet him. He let out a soft trill that was meant for comfort. It sounded rough out of water, but he hoped it would still help.

The noise had apparently caught the attention of Aranea, who came into the room and put her hands on her hips expectantly. 

Gamzee was still crying and clinging to him. He couldn’t leave him like this. Eridan held Gamzee close to his chest, and locked eyes with Aranea as his fins splayed in a threat. He would be willing to fight his very last breath for this troll after what had happened to him and it was obvious.

“Didn’t we talk about this?” she sighed and tapped her foot. “This has to stop. He only left because of you, and then he got himself in trouble.”

“It’s not his fuckin’ fault,” the violet muttered.

“So you admit it was yours? You’re going to get him hurt more.”

“He wwas hurtin’ wwhen he couldn’t fuckin’ talk to me about it! He didn’t leawe his room for  _ days on end,  _ did you notice that? Don’t tell me I’m doin’ the wrong thin’ wwhen I comfort him after you  _ refused to!” _

“I don’t want to have to get physical with you, Eridan,” she growled.

“Well then maybe you should back the fuck off,” his own growl rose and he bared his teeth.

Gamzee let out a little hiccup, hands balling in Eridan’s shirt. “No, don’t… you’ll get hurt…”

“I don’t care. I wwant you safe, Gam. I lowe you. I’m not ewer gonna let you go again. I wwon’t let you get hurt again.”

“I love you too. I don’t want you hurt neither.”

Aranea rolled her sleeves up and huffed. “Come on now, or I’ll have to punish you both.”

Eridan stood up and opened his mouth, then promptly snapped it back shut and dropped Gamzee as his arms went limp. 

The smaller stared up at him, then looked to Aranea. His hands curled into fists and he felt his muscles tense. He hardly even thought about it before he lunged at Aranea. She was caught off guard enough that Eridan slipped out of her control and he stumbled backward dizzily.

Gamzee faintly heard someone call for him, but it was drowned out by the sound of his own heart pounding and the overwhelming rage and hatred he’d bottled up for years.

This time he wasn’t being controlled by anything but himself.

He didn’t manage to get any good hits in, though, before he suddenly passed out and toppled onto the floor.

* * *

When he woke up, he was sore and his mind was foggy. He was… in his bed. He remembered what had happened and immediately felt a surge of guilt and regret wash over him.

He tried to hurt her. He got angry and attacked her.

He proved everyone right about him.

He started a bit as he heard his door open and turned his head to the noise. Caliborn shuffled in and approached his bedside.

“Are you awake yet?”

He groaned. “Partly…”

“Good. I have something. To say to you.”

“He closed his eyes and braced himself.

“What you did back then. Was amazing!”

Gamzee winced, prying his eyes open. “Huh?”

“You just. Lunged at her. You should have seen the look on her stupid face!” the cherub cackled and grinned at the other.

“No, no, that… I shouldn’t have done that…”

“Are you kidding? That bitch had it coming. She was seething!”

He opened his mouth to protest before he closed it again and studied the other. “Wait… you saw?”

“Yes! She nearly caught me. I was in the other room. But I came to watch. Because of the shouting.”

Gamzee bit his lip. Caliborn would probably make even more trouble now that he’d seen Gamzee do that.

“No, that was bad, Cal.”

_ I BEG TO DIFFER, MY LITTLER INVERTIBROTHER. _

Gamzee jumped at the noise, sitting up suddenly to see Kurloz walk in. “Motherfucker! Did you see, too?”

_ NEGATIVE, MY LIKENESS IN BLOOD. I PULLED THE SCENE FROM OUR GREEN ACQUAINTANCE AND LORD’S HEADSPACE. _

“What the hell… You’re making me get wishing I had all up and paid attention to learn sign.”

A soft chuckle came from the taller.

_ I HAVE BEEN INFORMED I HAVE THAT EFFECT ON MOST ALL PEOPLE. IT’S EASIER FOR ME THIS WAY, HOWEVER. _

“Well it gives at me the creeps.”

_ YOU COULD DO IT, TOO, IF YOU BOTHERED TO LEARN AT IT. _

“Fuck off. What the hell you come here for anyway?”

_ I CAME TO EASE YOUR SENSE OF MIND, BROTHER. THE DISPLAY OF BRAVERY AND LOYALTY YOU PUT ON EARLIER WAS MUCH ENOUGH TO EARN THE RESPECT OF BOTH US. ISN’T THAT RIGHT, CHILD LORD OF DOUBLE-DEATH? _

“It is. Even though. You didn’t get a scratch on her. She is more strong. Than even me. Because she can put me to sleep.”

Kurloz nodded and smiled wide at him.

_ I HAVE AN UNDERSTANDING THAT YOU CAN’T MUCH INTERPRET THE SHAPES OF THE FACE, AND THAT I HAVE AN UNSETTLING VIBE ABOUT ME, SO I FEEL IT WOULD BE BENEFICIAL TO ASSURE YOU THAT I AM PROUD, AND NOT IN FACT PLOTTING ANY WAYS TO BRING YOU HARM. :o) _

“But this is why we’re here, isn’t it? ‘Cause we tried causing harm to those around us. How is it good to have done the same thing again?”

_ NOT EVERYTHING IS SET IN BLACK AND WHITE. DO YOU KNOW OF MY MOTIVATIONS FOR HYPNOTIZING MY DEAR KITTY-BITCH? _

“No…”

_ I HAD BEEN TOLD THAT FOLLOWERS OF HIS LORDSHIP WOULD BE SPARED. I WISHED FOR HER TO BE SAFE, BUT NOT FOR HER TO FEEL GUILT. EVEN THOUGH IT HURT HER IN THE END. _

“That’s…” Gamzee thought. If he had been given the same options for Karkat or Tavros, what would he have done? “I dunno how to be feeling about that.”

_ MANY OF THEM DID NOT. WHICH IS WHY I AM HERE. I DO NOT ASK YOU TO CHANGE YOUR VEIWPOINT OVERNIGHT. I WILL GIVE YOU TIME TO PONDER WHAT I’VE TOLD YOU, AND DECIDE FOR YOURSELF WHAT YOU WILL DO. _

The mime held up two fingers to his forehead, then moved his hand in a salute before leaving.

“If you want to try to leave again. Come see me. You have a week to decide,” Caliborn told him simply before leaving as well.

Gamzee looked down at his own lap and thought for a while. This new information was making him rethink a lot of things.

* * *

After having given himself time to think and recover, Gamzee made a decision.

He would leave here, and find someway to get everyone else out too.

When he really thought, more things came to light. Like how Aranea and Vriska had both done bad things and hurt people, but they weren’t imprisoned. If the criteria for being locked up was either killing, hurting, or manipulating people, they were both guilty, but neither of  _ them _ were treated as criminals.

And he didn’t think it was very fair that Aranea got to make all the rules and decide who got punished all the time. Not when being late and threatening someone were treated as equal felonies.

It had taken him four days, but he decided in time to see Caliborn. He wished he could see Eridan before he left, but he knew it would make things more complicated.

He told himself he’d be back as soon as he could.

That day, he marched with purpose to Caliborn’s room and knocked on the door. The cherub peeked out to see who it was before he stepped aside to let him in.

“So. Have you decided?”

Gamzee nodded. “I wanna get going the hell out of here.”

“Good. Have you been followed?”

Gamzee double checked behind himself. “No.”

“Come in. Now.”

Gamzee stepped inside and watched the other. Caliborn blocked the door and made his way over to a dresser. The room was cluttered, and various dishes, boxes, and papers littered the floor. Cal grunted and pulled the dresser out to reveal that there was a vent behind it. The grate was missing and the edges were scratched up.

“I tried. To get myself to fit. But I couldn’t. I hid it so that she wouldn’t know I tried.”

Gamzee stared at it. “She… really didn’t notice?”

“She only knows things. Because she gets in people’s heads. She can put me to sleep. But she can’t read my mind. Hurry up and get in.”

Gamzee nodded and climbed up. “Before I go-”

“What? Make it quick.”

“I’ll be back for you guys.”

“You better be.”

“Tell Eri-bro bye for me.”

“Fine. Is that all?”

“Yes.” Gamzee climbed into the vent. When he was all the way in he heard Caliborn put the dresser back in place. There was no turning back now.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gamzee gets caught but Tavros is happy to help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has Consensual Sex in it for once  
> About time Gamzee got a break

Gamzee knew he couldn’t risk being caught again. He knew he had to be fast if he wanted to make it out of here. He moved quickly, only stopping to adjust his footing so he wouldn’t slip. 

He would have kept moving all the way to the bottom floor if he hadn’t heard something that caught his attention. Curious, he slid into the second-floor vents and pricked his ears.

“I just don’t see, why we have to block all the vents. It’s getting stuffy in here.” That was definitely Tavros talking. Gamzee approached the grate, but there was something in front of it. He heard Karkat next.

“Because if he manages to get out again we have no idea what he would do. According to Vriska he was stalking her and Terezi…”

_ Bitch. _

“Okay, but, I’m just saying there could be another way to do this, right? I mean, it’s not exactly the best idea to have a window cracked all the time.

“Okay, well, until Strider The More Obnoxious gets his power tools working right, there’s no other way to do it. So you’re going to have to fucking deal with it.”

If Dirk’s power tools weren’t working, then how had Aranea gotten her hands on the tools to bolt all the vents shut upstairs?

Tavros sighed and started to walk away. “Alright. Don’t know what’s taking him so long…”

Gamzee moved in the direction he heard Tavros’ footsteps until they stopped. There was another grate in this room. It seemed to be boarded up, as a small bit of light peaked between the boards.

“Jeez… It’s too hot in here…” Tavros sighed and moved toward the vent. “Surely it wouldn’t matter if I…”

The bronze-blood started to pull the boards off, and Gamzee scrambled backward, startled. He was in such a hurry that he lost his footing and let out a startled honk.

This made Tavros pause, and he peered inside where he could see. “Oh-” He looked around a bit and hurried to lock the door. 

Gamzee tried to get himself back up to where he could hurry away, but he wasn’t quick enough.

“Wh-what are you doing here?” Tavros asked on his return. “Not that I’m not, uh, happy to see you-” he paused, face flushed. “I guess, what I’m trying to say is that, I, uh, I missed you.”

Gamzee stopped and settled down. “I missed you too bro.”

Tavros smiled and pulled open the grate, setting it aside. “You look… tired.”

He was tired. “Nah, I’m all good… I should probably get going outta your hair, huh?”

“No!” Tavros coughed. “No, you can stay. I, uh.. I don’t mind.”

“You sure?”

“Definitely.”

Gamzee swallowed and shuffled forward, moving to get out of the vent. Tavros moved out of his way.

“So, uh… how have you been, Gamz?”

“I’ve been… alive.”

“Oh.”

They both went silent for a minute.

“Are you, uh, hungry, or anything?”

Gamzee put a hand over his belly and nodded. “Yeah, actually.”

“I’ll get some snacks, then. Anything else you need, as long as I’m going?”

Gamzee thought. “Maybe a phone or something?”

“Oh, well… I have my, uh… phone, and husktop here, in my room.”

Gamzee nodded and looked over at the aforementioned device. “Okay. Thanks…”

“It should already be unlocked, so, go ahead,” Tavros explained before leaving the room. Gamzee headed over to the desk and sat down so he could open the laptop. It was the kind humans used; the outside was smooth, and there was a distinct lack of legs.

Sure enough, when Gamzee opened it, it was already set on the desktop. Tavros had a couple of tabs open, so Gamzee opened a new one as to not interrupt what his friend was doing.

Logging into Trollian, he hardly remembered his password. When was the last time he even used it?

When he was finally able to remember his password, he logged in and looked at the home page. Everything looked the same as he remembered it. He moved to the ‘acquaintances’ section and scrolled through the names.

He had a lot of apologizing to do, even if he couldn’t do it in person. 

* * *

After a while of typing out drafts and then deleting them, he finally had a memo to send to everyone.

_ DeArEsT fRiEnDs AnD aQuAiNtAnCeS, _

_ yOu MaY nOt ReAd Be GeTtInG aT rEaDiNg AlL tHiS, bUt I wAnT tO gEt SaYiNg SoMeThInG iMpOrTaNt At YoU. _

_ i, GaMzEe MaKaRa, WoUlD lIkE tO bE gEt AlL mY aPoLoGiZiNg On In Ya’Ll’S dIrEcTiOn. I dOnE a LoTtA hUrT tO a LoTtA yOu, AnD i’M tRuLy SoRrY aBoUt It. _

_ I dOn’T eXpEcT tO gEt FoRgIvEn, AnD yOu GoTtA rEaSoN tO kEeP hAtInG oN mE. i WoUlD lIKe, GiVeN tHe ChAnCe, To Be GeTtInG aT eArNiNg MySeLf A rEdEmPtIoN, hOwEvEr. _

Gamzee took a deep breath and hit send, watching the screen. Nothing happened for a bit, which was probably to be expected. He also realized that Tavros was taking an awful long time getting snacks.

Gamzee turned his head toward the door for a moment. Nothing happened, so he closed the computer and headed to the vent to see if he could find out what was going on.

He couldn’t navigate very well, but he didn’t have to go very far until he heard Tavros’ voice echoing through the vents. He crawled toward the noise curiously, wondering what he was doing that kept him from coming back.

Arriving closer, he could hear what the other troll was saying. Even though the vent was blocked off and he couldn’t see, he could still gauge pretty well what was going on.

“Oh, fffuck~! Yeah, just like that~ Ah, how do you do that with your tongue?”

Gamzee felt a flush rise to his face and squirmed as his bulge began to stir. Trolls could never put their mouths near there, with their fangs and all. That didn’t stop Gamzee from imagining himself in whoever was with Tav’s position.

Guess he wasn’t as over the bronze-blood as he thought.

“Oh, shit! Hell yes, yes, gog-  _ DAVE!” _

Gamzee gasped, covering his mouth with one hand as his bulge spilled into his sweatpants. Dave was with him. Dave strider, blasphemer and nuisance. (He wasn’t that bad. He got on the purple’s nerves, but in a way that made his skin crawl with pitch want.) 

Gamzee heard panting, and it seemed like Tav was calming down a bit. That would mean he must be heading back to his room soon.

Even if Gamzee made it back in time there’s no way Tavros wouldn’t be able to tell he had a wriggly.

The clown gulped and listened carefully. Even though he probably needed to get back soon, he couldn’t help but want to hear what happened next.

“Fuck dude. I will never get over how much you guys cum,” Strider laughed. “Not like it’s not totally hot, though. I can dig being like your… personal cum bucket, or whatever.”

“That, should not sound as fucking, uh, hot as it does…”

“Hell yeah. I’m like the fucking Van Gogh of making things sound hot. That shit’s an art form for me man, I could probably do it for a living. Gonna make you my muse, turn you into a motherfucking masterpiece-”

Dave was cut off suddenly, and made a low groaning noise. Tavros had probably kissed him.

“I have to go, Dave,” Tavros sounded breathless.

“Yeah, okay, sure. See you later.”

Gamzee heard footsteps and knew he really had to get back now. Surprisingly, anything Dave said had only made his wriggly worse. He didn’t think Dave made it sound hot with anything he did. Simply by virtue of being annoying as fuck did anything he said turn the clown on.

And so what if he was also jealous the human got to mack on his childhood crush?

Gamzee hurried back as fast as he could, but Tavros still got there first.

“Uh, Gam?”

Gamzee arrived seconds later, but still too late. If he didn’t want the other to see his crotch, he couldn’t get out. “Yeah? I got done what I wanted to so’s I went to go exploring.”

Tavros jumped a bit and looked toward him. “Oh. Uh, did you happen to, y’know… see, or, hear anything…?”

“Nah,” Gamzee lied, shifting a bit. “Nothing of much interest to a brother, anyway.”

Tavros nodded and sat down on his bed. “Okay, uh, why don’t you, come on out? I brought the, uh, snacks,” Tavros held up a plate of assorted fruits and dressings.

Gamzee felt his stomach growl and winced. Tavros would question if he declined, but if he came out…

“How about putting some in here?”

“Why? I, wouldn’t think, it would be very comfy up there…”

“You’d be surprised,” Gamzee shifted slightly.

“Come on, I… I wanted to visit with you. I don’t think, I, uh, ever got to hang with you, like you promised, remember?”

He remembered. He just didn’t think Tavros would. “Oh, yeah, uh…” Gamzee paused, face growing hot. “It’s just… I got a little, itty bitty problem here…”

“Oh, are you stuck?”

“Not exactly-”

“Here, I can just help you out,” Tavros reached for him.

“That’s not, you don’t gotta-” Gamzee held his hands up, but Tavros just grabbed onto him and pulled.

It didn’t take much for him to come toppling out of the vent right on top of Tavros. They both fell backward from the force and landed on the floor. He felt his bulge pressed against the other’s side, and knew he’d been caught.

Tavros’ face went dark brown. “Uh, G-gamz…?”

Gamzee froze. “S-sorry- I-”

“W-were you… did you, uh, did you see..?”

“No. N-not really, I… I just. Heard.”

“Oh.”

Neither of them moved. Gamzee felt like he should move, but he was a little scared to. His bulge was squirming against Tavros’ side and soaking through Gamzee’s pants.

“Uh, do you… do you want me to help?”

Gamzee looked up. “Wh-what about..?”

“Dave? He’s just one, of my partners. He wouldn’t mind, if I had another.”

Gamzee tried to wrap his head around that statement, but found he’d much rather pay attention to the way his bulge did an excited twist at the suggestion. “Okay. Yeah. Go ahead.”

Tavros moved, sitting up and positioning Gamzee in his lap. He reached between them to pull Gamzee’s twisting bulge out of his sweatpants. The bronze bit his lip as he started to stroke the appendage, letting it twist and wiggle between his fingers.

“Hah- Tav-”

“Yeah? Is it good?”

Gamzee nodded and let his head fall back, hips rolling into the warmth of Tavros’ soft hand. Tavros twisted his wrist in a way that had the smaller troll let out a low moan, and promptly cover his mouth.

He hadn’t even realized how pent up he was until he came after only a minute. Tavros slowed and started to pull his hand away, but Gamzee grabbed his wrist.

“N-no.. Keep going...”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes. Fuck, yes.”

Tavros took in a deep breath and continued his motions, watching Gamzee’s face closely. Gamzee moaned louder, hands curling into fists. “S-so good- mmh-”

After a moment, Tavros moved his free hand down to rub at Gamzee’s nook entrance, still watching him. This was when the smaller tensed up and jerked away with a whine. Tavros took his hand away, slowing down.   
“A-are you okay? Do you, uh, need to stop?”

“No- I-i’ll be okay, just… just not there.”

Tavros nodded and picked up the pace. He was still careful, but he got more confident in his movements the more Gamzee reacted positively, and the more confidently Tavros moved the more Gamzee reacted.

Gamzee came a second time after not too long, and this time he didn’t protest when Tavros pulled away.

“Still okay?” Tavros confirmed.

“Yeah… better ‘n okay.”

“Good.” The other troll picked up Gamzee and moved them both onto his bed. The clown snuggled up close, and he felt his heart warm. “Uh, this may be, a little out of left field, but, I just… wanted to know, if maybe you’d be interested, in, being in a quadrant, with me? Or maybe even, a human relationship? Even though, neither of us are humans, I guess, but-”

“Yes. Anything. Everything. I love you.” Gamzee sighed and cuddled close to Tavros.

Tavros smiled and kissed Gamzee softly. “Love you too.”

* * *

They had both fallen asleep, but not before Tavros had Gamzee eat something. They didn’t get to sleep for long, though, because Karkat barged in and shouted, “Alright, where is he?”

Tavros stirred, rubbing his eyes and sitting when Karkat couldn’t see the troll beside him. “Where’s who?”

“You know exactly who. I know you’re fucking hiding Gamzee in here somewhere, because everybody heard you two fucking!”

“I have, no idea what you’re talking about.”

Just then, Gamzee roused, only to hit his head on the wall with a “Motherfuck!”

Karkat stared dead at Tavros, who looked away.

“Oh, that, uh… I can explain.”

Gamzee hissed and rubbed his head. “Wha? Wha’s goin’ on?”

“No, fuck this, you are not keeping a murderer in your gog damn room, you hear me? He is going right back to Aranea.”

Gamzee startled and looked up at Karkat. He hugged onto Tav and hid behind him.

“No, you can’t! He didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Not yet, no! Who knows what the hell he could be capable of?”

“If he had, uh wanted us dead, don’t you think he’d have already killed us though? Or at least, some of us?”

Karkat sighed heavily and glared at him. “You’re not keeping him.”

Tavros pouted, wrapping his arms around Gamzee. “Please? I love him.”

“NO!”

“Please? Pretty, pretty please?”

“NO! Fuck no! Fuck you, you can’t keep him here, end of story.”

“Pretty please with lots of sugar on top?”

Karkat growled, face scrunched up. “FFFFF- FINE! But if he causes even the tiniest bit of trouble, he’s gone!”

Tavros grinned and moved to kiss Karkat. “Thank you!”

Karkat grumbled and stormed out as soon as he was released, flipping them both off on the way out. Tavros turned to his smaller partner and gave him a smooch too. “Did you hear that? You can stay!”

Gamzee smiled back and nuzzled into him. “Cool… I wanna go back to sleeping now.”

Tavros giggled. “That’s fine by me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll probably find a way to ruin this too though >:)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gamzee spends some time with Karkat and then Dave. It turns out he might have more in common with the human than he thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda dubious consent bc neither Dave nor Gamzee know what a healthy kismesissitude is and nobody talks anything out beforehand. Dave backs off when he realizes Gams uncomfy tho.

Karkat tried to be upset about Gamzee staying, he really did, but it was hard to when he was just so… pitiable.

He knew Tavros had no idea the extent of the grief Gamzee had caused, so it was expected he’d want to protect him, but Karkat had been there. And yet, he still caved. Not just because of Tavros, either. Some part of him still wanted to be around Gamzee. Another part was terrified of him.

Tavros was a floor down getting his legs checked up on, and since noone else wanted to take care of the place, apparently, Karkat was picking up after them. Again. He really should have stopped doing this crap for them a while ago but, fuck, did it bug him when their shared living space was a mess.

He gathered up and sorted what was out of its place. While doing so, he scoffed at the sight of a messy pile of things in the corner of a room. He moved to clean it up, but only picked up a couple things before he noticed someone was sleeping in there. 

Karkat moved part of the pile to see who was in there, and probably yell at them, to find it was Gamzee. Of course he would do this, instead of sleeping in a bed, at night, like the rest of them. The redblood tugged at his shirt to try and pull the sleeping troll out only to be greeted with a whine and tired squirming.

Karkat sighed and yanked harder, tugging the smaller troll out and letting him fall to the floor with a grunt. He noticed he’d ripped the shirt that Gamzee was wearing, as well as the fabric riding up the clown’s torso to reveal a bit of grey skin.

The flesh that he could see was littered with scars. Some from cuts, or stab wounds, or, from what Karkat could tell, bullet wounds. He felt a pang of guilt for handling him roughly, and wondered how he got so many.

Gamzee groaned and pulled his(or more accurately Tavros’) shirt down as he stood. “Wha?”

“If you’re going to fucking fall asleep in a pile do it in Nitram’s room. I feel like these assholes leave shit lying around just to piss me off and get me to clean up after them but hell if I’m gonna let this place stay a gogdoamn mess all the time!”

“Oh, sorry…” Gamzee yawned and rubbed his eyes. He didn’t look the least bit remorseful.

“Do you ever even think about anybody but yourself? I thought Vriska’s fucking stuck up excuse for a dancestor was teaching you bulge suckers manners or some shit, but apparently you haven’t learned a damn thing, or else you’re just an inconsiderate shitstain on purpose.”

Gamzee had started to wince and curl in on himself, ears pinned against his head as Karkat raised his voice. He shut his eyes and appeared to brace himself. “Sorry… sorry…”

Karkat blinked and looked at Gamzee’s posture, immediately feeling bad. Shit. Why was he such a terrible person sometimes?   
“Fuck, shit… No, don’t apologize. I’m just… annoyed, and tired, and gogdamn  _ sick _ of being the only one who cares enough to pick up after themself! Look at this mess,” he gestured around the room, belongings and trash scattered everywhere. “It’d just be nice to have someone help out every once in a while...”

Gamzee thought, looking around. “D-do you want me to help?”

Karkat sighed and looked at the other. “Yeah.” He thought it was obvious, but Gamzee didn’t always seem to pick up on things. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Gamzee nodded and started to clean up his pile.

* * *

It took less time than usual to get everything cleaned up with two people working on it. Karkat expected to have to go back and reorganize everything Gamzee put up, but he actually did a pretty good job once he had it explained to him.

Once they were finished, Karkat sat down on their couch with a small sigh and flipped on the TV. Gamzee sat beside him and curled against the arm of the couch.

Before Karkat could pick out something to watch, however, he was interrupted by Sollux loudly exiting his room and announcing that he was hungry.

“Gog damn it! Why do you always do this?” Karkat groaned, turning to look at the gold.

“Do what? Get snacks when I’m hungry?”

“Make this huge fucking racket while I’m trying to rest! You only ever do it when I’ve just finished cleaning up  _ your mess _ , too!”

Sollux ignored him and made his way to the fridge. “What do we have to eat? Seriously, I can’t tell.”

Karkat groaned loudly and stomped his way over to the blind troll to tell him what was in the fridge. Gamzee watched for a moment before someone jumped over the back of the couch to sit and lean on Gamzee. The small troll hissed and squirmed, looking over to see Dave. “Motherfucker- get offa me!”

Dave turned his head toward Gamzee and huffed through his nose. “Sorry, didn’t see you there. You’re just so fucking tiny dude, like a little goddamn bug that I accidentally step on ‘cause I wasn’t watching my feet. Like some spider, minding his own damn business, then bam, my big huge foot comes and smashes it just like that. Later you’ll haunt me in my dreams for killing you.” The human made no move to stop leaning on Gamzee.

Gamzee’s face heated and he refused to admit it was anything but annoyance and anger. “What the actual motherfucking hell are you going on about?” he growled lowly.

“No clue, man. You know how I am, once I get talking I just don’t stop talking until I’ve completely changed the subject and caused a massive divide,” Dave leaned on him further, reaching for the remote on the other side of him.

Gamzee shoved at him a bit with a grunt. “Shut the hell up and get off me. Your knees is poking all into my side.”

Dave hummed and ignored the other, moving his leg slightly just to cause more annoyance as he practically straddled Gamzee’s thigh. “Damn. Remote’s pretty far away. Gotta really stretch to get there.

Gamzee growled louder, pulling back as Dave’s knee grazed his thigh and he shoved at him harder. Dave still didn’t budge. “Get off! You know that motherfucking thing’s not that much away!”

Dave continued to ignore him and he shoved at the human with all he had. Still, it hardly moved him an inch. He felt his bulge stir.

“Whoah, calm down there bronco, just trying to get that remote. Maybe you could help me out and hand it to me if you’re so upset about it.” Dave scooted closer, though he was now simply staring at Gamzee through his shades. He wasn’t even reaching for the device anymore.

Gamzee snarled and turned to reach for the remote, stretching his arm out. It looked farther away than it had been, and he huffed as he turned to stretch over the arm of the couch. Dave pressed against him from behind and he growled lowly as he hardly held back a moan. His bulge was unsheathing into his pants, so he pressed his legs together. In order to get further away from Dave, he had to press his crotch into the arm of the couch, and to get away from there he had to press into Dave. The human’s arms were braced on either side of him, caging him in, and he cursed, balling his hands into fists as his face heated up further.

“Oh, shit, you can’t reach either can you? You got short little arms. Oh well, I can probably get it if I try hard enough.” Saying this, Dave leaned forward, pressing his hips into Gamzee’s and Gamzee’s hips into the couch. The smaller let out a whine and shifted, only to go still as the friction riled up his bulge further. “Holy crap, what was that noise? Sounded like a little puppy, begging for it’s treat. It’s been such a good dog but damn, it’s just not getting that treat is it.”

Gamzee growled and hid his face in the crook of his elbow. “Shut the hell up.”

Dave opened his mouth, but before he could say anything Karkat came back into the room. Sollux was left in the kitchen, snickering as he ate his snack.

“What the absolute fuck do you think you’re doing to that poor clown?”

Gamzee hid his face more. He must have forgotten about the other two trolls.

Dave chuckled softly. “Nothing, we’re just messing around a little.”

“You’re teasing him, Dave. He’s making pitch mating noises.”

Gamzee made an ashamed little noise and Dave laughed more. “Oh my god. How come you never do that?” 

Karkat bared his teeth and huffed. “I do, they just come out at frequencies humans can’t hear. At least go in the other fucking room with it. I don’t wanna watch you do that,” Karkat gestured at them.

Dave rolled his eyes and shifted off of the smaller. As soon as he could, Gamzee jumped off the couch and flashstepped away to the room he shared with Tavros, closing the door behind him.

“Or not,” Karkat grumbled.

“Aw man, you scared him off,” Dave teased. Karkat rolled his eyes.

* * *

It sure was taking Tavros a long time to get his legs checked up on. Gamzee hoped there weren’t any problems with them. Then again, he had no idea how long a checkup normally took.

He was bored and horny, which wasn’t the best combination. He curled up in the pile they shared and buried himself in the scent of his matesprit.

Maybe he would have liked to go to Dave, but it was harder to trust him like he trusted Tavros. Dave had been the one to tell him to listen to Cal, and to break his faith.

Gamzee breathed in deeply, holding his shirt to his face. Calmed down, he let out a soft, flushed chirr as his hand wandered down to his impatient bulge.

The moment Gamzee got a hand down his pants, his bulge twisted and wrapped tightly around his wrist and he gasped softly. The appendage curled and twisted as he moved to stroke it and he whined needily.

He sped up his hand a little, trilling and reveling in the feeling of the friction on his bulge. Soft noises continued to spill from his lips as he pleasured his bulge and lost track of time. After a few minutes he heard a soft knocking from the door. Assuming Tavros was back, he trilled softly and responded, “‘s unlocked.”

He heard the door open and close, followed by a whistle. “Hot.” Gamzee jumped and sat up, legs pulled together as he stared at Dave.

“The hell-”

Dave chuckled and stepped closer, and Gamzee scooted back. “I said you’re hot. Shame you still have all those clothes on though, won’t that make a mess?”

Gamzee bared his teeth, face heated as his bulge writhed eagerly. “N-none ‘of your business,” he gasped, hips bucking forward. “Fuck-”

Dave tilted his head, slowly getting closer to the panting troll. “You got the hots for me, don’t you? Think about me while you jerk off?” He smirked.

Gamzee growled more, using his free hand to toss a small stuffed toy at Dave, who caught it easily. “Wasn’t thinkin’ about you, motherfucker. I don’t want you here.”

“Why haven’t you stopped then?” Dave stopped just in front of the pile, staring down at him.

Gamzee whined and his bulge tightened its grip. He could say that was why, but it’s not like Dave wasn’t contributing to that.

“Fuck you!” he spat instead, pressing his legs tighter together.

“Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Dave kneeled down and moved over Gamzee in the pile. “But I plan on doing this shit right, and that means not giving in without a fight. Gonna have to work hard to beat me; you’re already at a disadvantage.”

Gamzee hissed and pulled both of his legs back to kick Dave in the stomach. He doubled back, bent over for a moment, which gave Gamzee enough time to roll out from under him. With a bit of jostling, he got his wrist free and used both hands as he tackled Dave.

The human groaned softly and quickly spin around to catch Gamzee’s arms with his own and fell with the force back onto the pile. He twisted, tugging Gamzee’s arms to flip them over.

Gamzee growled more, kicking his foot upward toward Dave’s face. The other pulled back enough to dodge it and subsequently used one hand to pin that leg up. This left one of Gamzee’s arms free, but he couldn’t do anything with it.

Dave chuckled. “That was easy.”

“Not gonna be so motherfucking easy to do nothing with your hands all occupied like they are,” Gamzee snarled.

“Yeah, you’re right.” Dave hummed softly before swiftly lifting Gamzee’s shirt up and tying it around his wrists. The clown attempted to use his legs as they were freed, but Dave grabbed hold of them again.

Shit. Gamzee glared at Dave, panting softly as his bulge writhed, attempting to find something to bury itself in.

Dave smiled, shifting to tug down Gamzee’s pants. He whistled again, wrapping his hand around the appendage loosely. “Damn…” he mumbled to himself. 

After a moment his hand moved lower to rub at the folds of Gamzee’s nook, who jumped and started to squirm again. “Stop- stop that.”

Dave huffed a breath through his nose and leaned forward to kiss Gamzee, who growled and nipped at his lips. Dave smiled into it, thrusting his tongue into the other’s mouth as he made him gasp with a finger shoved roughly inside him. Encouraged, he pumped his finger in and out before adding another and scissoring them apart.

It took him a minute to realize Gamzee wasn’t kissing back anymore. He took sharp breaths, and was still under the other. Dave pulled back, pulling his hand away as he saw Gamzee’s face scrunched up, a couple stray tears falling and leaving tracks in his facepaint.

“Oh, shit man, are you okay?”

Gamzee cracked an eye open, panting. Even as Dave moved away and let him go, he stayed still. “Wh- why’d you stop?”

Dave frowned, shifting slightly. “Sorry if you wanted me to keep going, man, but seeing my partner cry is like a major turnoff for me- plus I realized we didn’t talk any of this out before just getting into it and I should probably not assume Karkat shares the interests of the rest of his species when it come to this shit…” Dave began to ramble, running a hand through his hair.

Gamzee sniffled and wiped at his own face. They had just been in the middle of making love, or at least in the foreplay part of it, and Dave clearly wasn’t satisfied, from the stiff bulge in his pants, but he had stopped because he thought he’d done something wrong.

It’s hard to hate someone when they seem so scared of hurting you.

Gamzee put a hand on Dave’s arm and rubbed gently. “'s okay. I just… didn't expect you to stop…"

Dave raised an eyebrow and stared. "You wanna… keep going? Or is that too much?"

Gamzee thought for a minute before nodding. "I'll be okay, just… try avoid touching at my nook."

Dave gave a small nod and leaned in to kiss Gamzee. "I'm really sorry man…"

Gamzee huffed and shifted closer. "Stop saying that."

Dave chuckled and pulled back, looking at him. After a moment he pulled off his own shirt. His torso was littered in scars as well, even one from his shoulder blade to his stomach. Gamzee looked down, avoiding eye contact as Dave stripped down.

The taller looked over and smiled, crawling back on top of Gamzee.

"Hey… can I try something?"

Gamzee looked up, to see that Dave's shades had been discarded. "Depends…"

Dave chuckled and ran a hand over the troll's side. "Just… here, let me show you. Promise I won't do anything you say no to, okay?"

Gamzee nodded hesitantly and watched. His heart pounded as Dave picked up his legs and held them together, but he stayed still and let him do what he wanted.

Gamzee felt Dave's cock rub against him and he squeezed his eyes shut. Dave rubbed his side more with a soft  _ shh _ . 

Gamzee whined softly as Dave moved slowly. He was about to complain when he felt Dave's dick slide between his slick thighs. He looked, blushing as he saw the tip poke between his legs.

Dave laughed and rolled his hips. "Sorry. You're fucking adorable, you know that? This is okay right?"

Gamzee nodded, watching as Dave started to thrust his hips. He moaned softly as Dave's cock rubbed against his nook and bulge, reaching a hand down to stroke his own bulge. "Shit, ah~"

They were so engrossed with eachother that neither of them noticed that someone came in the room.

"Room for one more?" Tavros purred, kneeling behind Dave.

Gamzee gasped and his hips bucked. "H-hi Tav."

"Hi, Gamz," Tavros reached to hold Gamzee's hand in his own. "Uh, what's up?"

The smaller chuckled and let out a small chirp. "Not much. You?"

Tavros giggled softly, starting to undo his pants. Dave laughed as well. "Wow, I've been reduced to 'not much.'"

Gamzee shoved at him softly. Dave's giggle devolved into a moan, however, as he felt Tavros' bulge writhe and rub against his ass crack. "Jee-zus!"

Tavros smiled and kissed at Dave's neck as he pressed close and let his bulge worm it's way into Dave's ass. The human moaned and rolled his hips backward, picking up the pace as he fucked Gamzee's thighs.

It didn't take long for Dave to cum with a long moan, ropes of white spilling over Gamzee's chest and startling him and he followed suit. Dave pulled away with a small chuckle and Tavros pulled out so he wouldn't overstimulated the human. Dave collapsed next to Gamzee, who was still panting and stroking his bulge.

Tavros closed the gap where Dave had been and let his bulge meet Gamzee's, twisting and tangling with the smaller's. Gamzee let his hand fall to his side and moaned softly.

After a minute, Tavros reached over to clumsily pull a tin bucket from behind the dresser. He lifted Gamzee's hips to place it between them before spilling with a gasping moan. Gamzee came for the second time as well, back arching and hands curling in the pile beneath them. Together the brown and purple slurry was almost enough to fill the pail. Tavros pulled away carefully and stood. "I'll be right back," he affirmed, picking up the pail and heading to the bathroom.

Panting, the clown looked at his chest curiously, running his clean hand through the thick white substance coating it. He brought a finger to his lips and licked it, smacking his lips together before making a face.

Dave laughed, sitting up. "What's that for?"

"Why's it salty?"

Dave laughed more and covered his eyes with one hand as Gamzee stared at him blankly.

* * *

After they had all cleaned up, the three of them were cuddling on Tavros' bed. They hadn't bothered getting dressed, it was just them after all.

Gamzee was sandwiched inbetween the two warmer ones, purring sleepily. His eyes slipped shut for a moment before he was startled back into consciousness by a hand tracing over the scars on his torso. He turned his head to look at Dave, who pulled his hand back.

"Sorry, I just…"

Gamzee shook his head and snuggled into him. He gently moved his hand over a thin scar on Dave's hip. "You… us two, we ain't the same. But… I think we both might be similar."

Dave sighed softly. "Yeah, I think so."

Gamzee felt the bed lighten on his other side and turned his head. Tavros smiled and pressed a kiss to his head before moving to the dresser. "I'll give you some space for a bit. This sounds kind of private."

Gamzee nodded softly and watched the other get dressed and leave the room. He watched the door a moment, then turned his head back as Dave started rubbing circles into his back.

"What's weird is that I know next to nothing about you, except that you killed people, apparently. And you _ don't  _ like ICP? Right?"

"I do not."

Dave's eyebrows drew together. "It made sense to me, at the time, to think you would like it though."

"You were wrong."

"Guess so. So… you still got that whole clown thing going on?"

Gamzee looked away and brought his hand to his face, fingers tracing the lower most scar over his lip. "That… I'm not too sure about, anymore."

Dave went quiet for a minute. "Well, even if the real thing isn't what you believed in the first place, that doesn't have to change anything."

"What do you mean?"

"Just make your own religion, man. The only people alive that ever followed it anyway are you and that creepy taller one. Back on Earth there was like… a million different versions of Christianity cuz everyone had a different idea of how it should be practiced."

Gamzee thought for a minute. "I guess… I'll up and think on it."

Dave nodded. "Shit, weren't we gonna like, talk about our shared trauma or whatever? Totally fucking derailed that shit."

Gamzee giggled. "Not sure I wanna get into all that motherfucking crap just yet."

"Understandable."

They were both quiet for a moment, tracing each other's scars

"Do you mind if I say some shit, though?" Dave asked.

"Go ahead."

Dave took a deep breath. "I mean, I get that I don't know what happened at all, but I… one thing that I remember very clearly, even though it was over three years ago is… you mentioned Lil Cal?"

Gamzee felt his throat tighten and licked his lips. "Yeah. You said for me to listen to him."

"That… I guess you guys don't get sarcasm, huh."

"Hell no. Why the motherfuck would you say something that you don't be meaning?"

Dave chuckled softly. "I don't know, dude. I don't know."

Gamzee stared at the ceiling. "I think it's motherfucking stupid." There was another minute of silence. "So why'd you go and bring it up?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Well… I don't remember much but I remember that pretty well. I think it has something to do with trauma, actually."

"You saying that was motherfucking traumatic for  _ you?" _

"Oh, I mean. Not exactly. Just…" he went quiet.

Gamzee thought really hard. Dave remembered that he talked about Cal, but not much else.

"Was you scared of him?"

Dave laughed awkwardly. "No! Fuck, I mean. God, why would I be scared of a puppet, that's…"

"Cause he was scary." Dave turned his head and looked at the other, realizing he was being completely genuine.

"...yeah… he was."

Gamzee moved his hand and held Dave's, lacing their fingers together.

"I spent so long trying to convince myself that Bro was cool and that his stupid puppet wasn't going to kill me in my sleep. I think I might actually have believed it, if it weren't for the game. He tormented me with it. Sometimes it looked like the thing was alive. On the rare occasion I did sleep I had crazy cryptic nightmares.

"I don't know how the hell I didn't realize it sooner."

Gamzee held his hand gently as he spoke. "The scars… they from your human lusus, right?"

Dave nodded. "Did you see?"

"No. I never done watched you humans. Never did care."

"And yours? I mean, you don't have to say anything about it, if you don't want to."

"No, it's okay. From a bunch of different shit, really. Where you wanna start?"

Dave hummed and pointed at his face.

"Those I got from Nep… when she attacked me. Well, I guess really I gave to myself, but…"

"Wait, back up, when did this happen?"

"After… I told Karkat I was done gonna kill everybody, he sent Equius after me, so I killed him and Nepeta saw, so…"

Dave pressed his lips into a thin line. "Oh." Gamzee shifted, avoiding eye contact. "What about these?" Dave pointed to the bullet scars.

"Got shot. Repeatedly."

"Well, yeah, but… why?"

"Caliborn don't like me."

Dave clicked his tongue. "How are you still alive dude?" Gamzee shrugged, and Dave laughed. "Fair enough… I think I can guess about the ones on your arms and legs, yeah?"

Gamzee nodded. "You'd probably guess right."

Dave sighed softly. "Cal… he told you to kill everyone?"

"Yeah. I bet I sounded crazy, huh?"

"Kind of… but I've seen weirder. Who knows, maybe that puppet really could talk."

"Did a lot more'n talk at me."

Dave raised an eyebrow. "Like what?"

Gamzee turned away from him.

"I'm not trying to like… get you to feel bad. I'm just curious."

"I- he made me do stuff. Stuff I didn't wanna do."

Silence, for a second. "Like kill your friends?"

Gamzee was silent.

"I mean, it sounds ridiculous, but… I guess with context it makes sense. Especially since you haven't gone fucking apeshit again. Yet."

Gamzee turned his head back to Dave. "You saying you believe me?"

"Sure, why not."

"I'm sorry."

"Why? You just said you were forced to do that shit."

"Yeah, but I still did it."

"Look, I'm not sure what anyone else is gonna think. Especially not the people you fucked up. But for what it's worth, I don't blame you."

"You don't? Why not? Everyone else does, even me."

Dave shrugged. "Guess I'm just real charitable like that."

Gamzee laughed softly. "Shut up. I still ain't forgave you."

"Rude."

They both giggled and wrapped their arms around eachother. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gamzee fucks up and gets caught... again.

Gamzee knew he had to keep his promise. He couldn't really keep living so peacefully knowing he'd left the rest of them to suffer. Knowing he'd left his moirail.

He was about to leave through the vents, but thought someone might be worried about him, so he left a note on Tavros' desk. Thinking about it, he realized he might not be able to talk to anyone, so he wrote what he wanted to say on a piece of paper and slipped it in his back pocket.

Gamzee made sure he didn't need anything else before he climbed into the vent system and made his way back up.

Going up a floor was considerably harder than going down. Gravity was not on his side this time around.

He managed to get up to the top floor after a few minutes, and shimmied his way into the level vents. It had been a bit since he'd been up here, but he still knew the way around a little and found his way to Eridan's room. He peered in, but couldn't see anyone, so he slid the letter out of the vent grate swiftly before scooting back.

After that was taken care of, he wandered the rest of the floor to see who he could find. He was confused when he couldn't find anyone. He couldn't hear them either, and nervously went still and silent.

He wanted to get out and see who he could find, but he had a small feeling he shouldn't try it that grew stronger the closer he got to getting out.

Deciding to heed it, he reluctantly went back down to the second floor, where he scooted out of the vent into Tavros' room.

"Hey, what's up? Find anything out?" Tavros greeted him from the bed. He held the small not in his hand.

"Not really. It kinda felt like there wasn't noone there, but there's no place else they could've gone."

"Probably just a coincidence, I suppose." Tavros went over to Gamzee and held his hand. "You wanna come get lunch with me?"

Gamzee nodded a little and let his matesprit lead him to the kitchen so they could find something to eat. He tried not to think about the eery quiet of that floor, or the dread that crept through him as he thought of getting out. 

"Do you, uh, want some cluckbeast ova?"

"Aha, what? Tav, just say eggs." 

Gamzee jumped as someone came in unexpectedly.

"Oh, hey Jade. Uh, I know, I just, forgot. It hasn't really been that long, for me."

"Hi Jade," Gamzee murmered.

She stared at him for a second before turning her head back to Tavros. "It's been like a year."

"Not really. I mean, we still have a couple months, until the year is over."

Jade rolled her eyes and chuckled. "Whatever. Even Karkat knows by now."

"He had, uh, three human years with Rose, and Dave."

Jade giggled and leaned over to kiss him on the cheek.

"I think I'll up and leave y'all to it. Wasn't none too hungry anyway."

"No, Gamz, wait a sec…" Tavros put a hand on Gamzee's shoulder. "You don't have to go anywhere, Jade and I were just talking."

Gamzee looked at the tall girl, who stared at him. He couldn't read her expression, but she sure wasn't smiling.

"I dunno, you look kinda busy."

"No, come on, I was gonna make you lunch. What do you wanna eat?"

"It's fine, let him leave if he wants to," Jade sighed, opening the fridge up. 

Gamzee looked down and put his hand over Tavros'. "It'll be okay, baby. Jade's, uh, chill, right Jade?"

Jade grunted and shrugged.

"Uh, I'm sure she'll come around. You just, have to get to know eachother."

"If you say so," Gamzee shifted a little closer and Tavros kissed his head. Jade rolled her eyes.

With lunch made, Tavros and Gamzee each grabbed a plate and sat. Jade grabbed herself something and sat down as well.

There was an awkward moment of silence as they ate. Tavros spoke first. "So. Uh, I'm sure you two must have, something in common, right?"

Jade shrugged.

"I like… baking. Well, I think I would. I never really… tried…" Gamzee trailed off awkwardly.

Jade tapped her fingers. "I don't really like baking. Prefer to cook my food instantly and save myself the trouble."

Gamzee hummed. "Cool…"

"Isn't there anything else you like?" Tavros asked.

"Uh, slam poetry. And… comic books…"

"Nope. I don't like those things."

"Oh."

There was a bit more silence.

"What kinda things do you do?" Gamzee started.

"Oh you know, I like science, cutesy shows for kids, fetch… uh, hanging out with my friends and not killing them."

Jade stared at Gamzee as he shrank back, embarrassed . Tavros laughed awkwardly and put an arm around Gamzee's shoulders. "Ah, maybe we should talk about something else?"

"Why? I think this is something worth talking about. Why should we ignore the fact that he killed two people-"

"Jade please," Tavros pulled the smaller troll closer to him, as Gamzee was beginning to get more visibly distressed.

"-And threatened people and abused other people-"

"Jade, I don't think-"

"-and he was collecting corpses for who knows what, Tavros does that sound like something a sane person would do? Do you really trust him? He could snap at any moment and you're just giving him the opportunity to kill us in our sleep!"

"JADE!" Tavros snapped, holding Gamzee against his chest. "Look at him! He's fucking terrified! I don't know what happened because I was  _ dead, _ and maybe I'm biased but does this really fucking look like someone who would do all that shit?"

Jade huffed and left without another word.

"Are you okay?" His voice went quieter as he addressed Gamzee.

"She's right," the small troll mumbled against Tavros.

"No, Gam-"

"She's  _ right _ . Tav, I hurt people. I hurt them and I know I can't take it back and I can't fix it. I can't apologize, even, I can't face them because I'm scared. I'm scared I'm gonna get hurt and I'm scared I'll hurt them. She's right and you can't trust me cuz I don't even trust me and I'm stupid and selfish for even coming here-"

Tavros held him and shushed him quiet. "Look at me. Look. I trust you. You would never hurt me would you?"

Gamzee sniffed and stared at him. "I-"

"Would you ever try to hurt me, Gamzee? Honestly, swear on it, would you?"

"N-no. Nono.. I-"

"Hush. Would you hurt Karkat?"

"I already did-"

"Gamz. Do you  _ want _ to hurt Karkat?"

"No!"

"Do you want to hurt  _ anybody? _ "

"No! No please no no I can't!"

"Shh, shh, it's okay. It's okay, look at me. We're okay. We're all okay."

Gamzee hiccuped softly and clung to his shirt. "But-"

"Hush, it's okay _.  _ Gamzee, it's over. It's  _ okay. _ "

Gamzee nodded and shifted closer to him. "I'm sorry…"

"Don't be." Tavros held him and rocked him gently. "You'll be okay..."

* * *

_ You'll be okay. _ Gamzee wished things were so simple. Maybe if they were he wouldn't be in the bathtub running the water way too hot and thinking about tearing into somebody's flesh. Maybe he wouldn't be trying to keep the thought out of his head with a razor and turning the water purple.

_ Selfish, _ some part of him whispered.  _ Pathetic. Weak. _

He thought he'd got rid of them. He thought maybe, if he could pretend he was some semblance of happy or healthy, this would stop happening.

Jade was right. He knew she was right. If he was sane or safe to be around, why did he think about this? No sane person would think about driving a knife into the skull of the nearest person. No sane person would think about strangling someone to death.

Gamzee never wanted to hurt someone. He didn't like thinking about it. He was afraid he would hurt someone.

He never should have left the top floor. People would be safer if he hadn't.

There was a knock on the bathroom door, so he began to get up. "Gimme a minute…" he called out.

Despite that it took him a while to get out of the bath, bandage himself and clean the tub there wasn't another knock. He wondered if maybe they had left, but when he opened the door he saw that Eridan was standing by it.

He blinked, rubbed his eyes and stared.

"Eri…?"

Eridan smiled and hugged him tightly. "Hey Gam. It's… good to see you."

Gamzee hugged back with his good arm, burying his face in Eridan's chest. "It's good t' see you too…"

The seadweller sighed and pulled back to look at Gamzee. "I missed you."

"Missed you too." Gamzee smiled at him.

Eridan sighed and pet through his hair, purring softly. "I missed you so much… Gam, wwhy'd you leawe?"

Gamzee shrugged and pulled away a little. The extended contact was becoming uncomfortable. "I- had to… I was gonna come back, promise…"

Eridan moved his grip to Gamzee's wrists and squeezed, causing him to hiss sharply. The violet didn't let go, though, squeezing tighter. "You gotta come back… Gam, I don't knoww howw long I can liwe like that wwithout you."

"E-eri, you're- hurting me." Gamzee tried to pull back again, but his grip just got tighter. Gamzee yelped in pain, tearing up. "L-let go-"

In a moment, Eridan was pulled away and pinned against the nearest wall. Karkat brandished a sickle, but didn't point it at him.

"I told you you could only be here if you didn't hurt anyone," he glared at the other, "him included."

Eridan calmly took the hand that Karkat held in his shirt, pulled it away from him, and clocked Karkat square in the jaw.

Gamzee yelped and scrambled back as a fistfight broke out between the two.

The noise drew several others from their rooms, gathering around to see what was going on. Before long, they managed to drag Eridan and Karkat away from eachother. They both continued to growl, but neither of them struggled against the people holding them.

"What the fuck is going on in here?" Jade demanded, holding one of Karkat's arms.

"Ask this fucking asshole- he attacked me!" Karkat snapped, spitting out blood which was flowing out of his nose.

"You threatened me first," the violet snorted.

"Like fuck I did! I pulled him off Gamzee because he was hurting him!"

"He's fine," Eridan rolled his eyes and stared at the smaller troll. Gamzee shrank back. "I just came here to get back my moirail, then I'll leawe. Come on, Gam."

Eridan gestured toward himself, but Gamzee backed away further.

"Hold on. If he doesn't want to go with you, you can't make him, Erifin. You can't force people into your quadrants," Feferi chimes in from his left.

Eridan scoffed and pulled his arm away. "I hawen't  _ forced _ him to do anythin'. Wwe are moirails, and he agreed to it."

"Why does he look like he's scared of you then?" Karkat snarled, crossing his arms as he was let go.

"Hey, uh, Gamz, is he telling the truth? Just tell us if you need help," Tavros moved toward Gamzee.

The small troll only curled in on himself, breathing uneasy.

"He's delusional," Eridan stated simply as he waved his hand. "He has these little fits because he don't knoww wwhat's real so he don't trust anybody."

Gamzee hiccuped and put his arms over his his head. "I'm  _ not _ crazy!" He screamed, louder than intended.

Eridan continued like nothing had happened. "If it gets bad enough he could hurt himself, wwhich is wwhy he needs me to wwatch ower him."

"We can look after him  _ just fine- _ " Karkat started, but he was interrupted as Eridan grabbed Gamzee's hand and the shorter cried out in protest. Eridan pulled down his sleeve despite his attempts to stop him, revealing the blood soaked bandages on his arm.

"Can you?"

Karkat opened his mouth, but let his arms fall to his sides and frowned. "Gamzee…"

Gamzee tugged and pulled at his arm, sobbing. "Let me go! You're not him! You're not my Eridan! He wouldn't do this to me!"

"Gam, calm dowwn," the seadweller's voice was gentle as he addressed the smaller. "It's just me. You knoww it's me, don't you?"

"No! You're a liar, stop it! Stop pretending to be him!"

The outburst only seemed to cement what Eridan had said as true, and noone moved to stop him as he picked Gamzee up and went to leave.

After a minute of crying and kicking, Gamzee felt himself go limp and quiet. As much as he hated the feeling, he was grateful for her making him stop. He was past the point of being able to control himself and he didn't want to hurt Eridan.

When they got back up, Aranea let them in and Eridan put Gamzee down before collapsing unconscious to the floor.

"Now, that was much more of an ordeal than it should have been," she sighed, making him stand up. "Apparantly you didn't learn your lesson the first time."

Gamzee cringed and his gaze darted away.

"Look at you… I know you don't like it, but I really am just trying to help you. And I had really hoped it wouldnt come to this."

He didn't like the sound of that. Whatever she had planned couldn't be good.

She had him follow her to his room and lay down on the bed, face up.

"I'm sorry, honey, but I don't want you hurting anyone- or yourself." The cerulean proceeded to strap him to the platform- with what he wasn't sure. His gaze was glued to the ceiling, and when she was done he couldn't even move his neck.

She released his mind from her grip, but as soon as he started jerking against the restraints she put him to sleep. For once, he was grateful for the escape from reality as he passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I like playing with your feelings. I'm not completely evil though, it'll have a happy ending I promise


End file.
